Stream of Consciousness (Spoiler alert- RANT).

Shit.
It's been a while, since the words of Henry David Thoreau have sparked up the fire in my soul.
Passion.
Where'd it go?
"Remember, get that blood back, scorch your stomach, bleed that passion lost."

I'm not unhappy?
Well. I'm pissed, mostly.
Is that passion?

I hate being angry. While it is a rush of emotion, I have always felt that anger is maintained by ignorance. I have always felt that anger is often unwarranted, and counterproductive. What has anger ever gotten me? Bitterness.

Do I prefer this to the days when I would rather beat myself up with words than stand up for myself against someone who hurt me? I'm not sure.

Having trouble stringing words together, even music isn't calming me.

I feel like I'm probably slowly losing it again.
Again.

Again.

But I'm fucking great.
Hello, Life! Here I Come!
That's how I'm supposed to feel.
I have lots of shit going for me right now.
My life is ready to begin.
I have plenty of homework to keep me motivated,
To keep me just stressed enough.
Class class class class class
So much.
There's going to be so much school. I love school.
Of course, that's not real life.
But it's a start.

However,
Keeping myself busy...
............
Where's the passion?
Where's the meaning?
I am deliberate.
I make deliberate choices.
But I think I forgot the deliberate reasons why I made those choices.

I'm happy
But it's menial.
I'm happy
But not enlightened.

What am I to do?
This has gotten me in a panic right now.
I haven't been able to breathe the last week or so.
Perhaps this has something to do with being quasi-dumped
Thus ending my quasi-relationship
Because I'm young
He was on a coke binge for 3 days
And He doesn't want to make anything yet.
Like it's his choice.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
See, there's my anger, there's my bitterness.
I don't even want to put that on here, I don't want anyone to read that, I don't think that's the business of the public... but I need to get this out.

Panic.
"Hysteria, Hysteria, it's happening again. I fall apart, I fall apart, I'm back where I began."
At least my way to inter... what's the word...
Intertwine?
Intertwine & reference 'outside works' is still here.

Panic.
Why?
There's no
Urgency.
So Why?

Maybe it's because I don't know what I want.
Fragmented thoughts don't work well enough.
I need to go lay in the grass and collect myself, I think that will help.

But anyways, there's a tornado coming. Or something.
And I am terrified. I can't think or breathe.
Maybe I need more sleep.
But I think I just need to
what's that phrase?
Find my center.
Goodbye.
I promise I'll be more coherent next time.
& also. I'm not unhappy. Just insane.

My friends get pissed when I speak spanish around them. Which shows how culturally intolerant we are. And it's anger based on lack of understanding.

Tomorrow I will: read. Clean my room. Shower. Spanish, gov. And fireworks.

All possibilities of 'love' lay dormant until I've had a sufficient amount of 'life experiences.'

Don't say I don't understand. If I didn't understand, I'd be long gone by now.

I'm going to do good things for myself.

My biggest fear? A meaningless existence.

Lots of people are those unun-prefix elements. They lack originality. And are transuranium elements, unnatural.

On Southgate.

I'm ready to get the fuck out.

Ready to let my flawed friendships fade away (alliteration, yay!).
And make new ones.

I'm sick of my friends. Just too lazy to make new ones.
I'm sick of the idea that the time you spend with someone can make them more important.
The more time I spend with these people, the more I want to run away.

"But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things." -HDT

Life is like swinging. Going forward and going right back. All on your own volition. You only go as far as your efforts.

Blinds. Such irony in their nomenclature.

Blindfolded?

I mean everything I say.
I will almost, always, mean everything I ever said.
And sometimes, this is an issue.
Because other people don't mean what they say in return.

I'm afraid I might have said things I didn't mean fully.

So.

I know what I want
& Yet I really just don't.

My thinking is scattered lately.

& on that note. If you're taught to think a certain way, you obviously aren't thinking.

When people become programmed on how to think... We'll know they've stopped thinking.

So much negative energy... I want to pull a Kennan and try containment. Better if i'm upset than everyone else.

Why try to get to know a god you have no proof of when you have the perfect opportunity to get to know something real- yourself?

On Being Bolder Than I Used To Be.

As the title states, I'm a lot bolder than I used to be. I used to be solely an observer of life, too timid to go and live it for myself. I gradually grew more comfortable with using my voice, but it wasn't until I'd say January of this year that I really began to believe in myself. I'm still rough around the edges in every day conversation, but I'm able to talk like never before.

"I was never good at talking, but the perks are so fantastic."

The only problem is... I seem to be making up for lost time. I never shut up. I fear that I have been doing so much talking about myself, that I forgot to listen to others. I am finally proud of myself and who I have become, and what I value. I I I I I, me me me me. I guess I'm making up for last time on that, too. I'm carrying not only my self pride on my shoulders, but also the pride that my parents are too high to care about. But that's no excuse.

I can't control the fact that my parents are less than perfect, and even if I could make her change, I'm not trying. So why complain? Why even care? That's just the way it is, and she's not holding me back. Sure, she doesn't really care. I'll just care more. Too long I've been looking for a mother's love and support from friends and boyfriends; in other words, places I'll never find a mother's love. I can't even get that from myself, but it's a lot closer, and much more effective.

So, back to the point...
I stopped listening to others because I've been too busy telling them how I feel about me now. Stating my case, that I'm awesome, look at all the puns I've made, look at all the books I've read, the thoughts I've had, look at my points of view, look at what I value... Trying to convince them to feel the same way about me that I feel about me.

It just doesn't work that way. But I've grown so accustomed to shutting them out and listening to myself that I just don't give a fuck who cares and who doesn't.

I just don't want this to lead my friends to believe I don't care about them. 'Cos I do. I've just been spending so much time talking about me that I haven't listened to them and shown them I care. I fear I might have discouraged them from sharing things with me. Sooooooo, I'm gonna calm it down and let them fill my ears for a while. Not by telling them to, just by letting it happen. And I'm gonna try not to let my opinions gain too much power over me, I'd rather stay neutral most of the time. I just want to be here to listen, for a few.

We imagine the Revolutionary War to be so perfect but in reality the soldiers and the nation were poor. & The Newburgh Crisis.

Summer goals- delve into Shakespeare, test out of Spanish 3, visit Princeton.