I am stuck in this hell doing nothing with my life. I need to get out. Will I ever make it?

It sucks that my mom is uneducated because she can't buy me nerdy things for my birthday.

On Getting Your Own Blog Titles!!

Lol.

Everyone starts their blog titles with the word "On" now.

It's okay, really, I just think it's funny how things can worm their way into our subconscious and we imitate others without realizing it. I do the same, so don't worry about it. I'm just sayin'.

Also,

I'm at school right now.

I've written a ton of stuff in my notebook this week that I'm dying to type out, but for lack of time I haven't been able to. I'd like to right now, but once again can't because my class ends soon.

Hope my mobile updates can convey the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Not that anyone reads this. I'm updating this like I have readers. I don't. I don't think at least.

Hey Clash, keep bloggin' fool.

& Stop deleting them!

All right, so crunch time is coming soon. This weekend I'm going up north to get away, but once I'm back I'm for real putting my heart and soul into working my ass off.

Clubs (five of them this year), classes (& college), college applications.

That's all I'll have time for, so this blog will be even more distant.

Coolies,

Just know that I'm jumping through the hoops and I'm doing it fantastically.

Don't doubt me!

Also,

I love Eminem. I need to listen to more rap. I used to hate all rap, by default/principle, but it's actually really enlightening to me. My diverse interests kill me. But I love them. I think they make me completely different from everyone else,

Although in some senses that makes me feel quite "isolated."

I've been reading The Metamorphosis in AP English, so I've been thinking a lot and should probably update my other blog. Nah.

Kay, that's everything I've been thinking in a nutshell. Hopefully I can type out my physics class ramblings soon.

Thanks if you read this far!

I have the most unique interests out of everyone I know. How come it feels so hard to relate others?

Today my English teacher called everyone in my class "average" compared to Einstein. I was insulted. Lul.

As if I didn't have enough on my plate already, I have just added "Avoid Creepy Tenth Grader Who Hit On Me Once" to my to-do list.

Physics, where have you been all my life? I love you. Let's get married.

The key is to stay on top of everything. The minute I get behind... Well, I don't even want to think about that.

I love my sister and my two best friends (Lina & Dalton). I can't wait until the day when I can repay them for everything they've done for me.

But one more thing.

I feel like I'm caged inside a glass box.
There's no room to breathe, and it's very uncomfortable.
But everyone can see so I have to pretend it's okay.

Every now and then I show little clues,
"Hey guys, I'm unhappy."
In fact guys, This is the most unhappy I've been in three years.
But I know guys, it's really not your fault.
It's really not your problem to deal with, it's mine.
And if I have a problem, how can I not deal with it?

....Well, duh, because I'm trapped inside this fucking box.
Even attempting to get out of it will show some kind of weakness to my onlookers.
Banging on the glass, but not breaking out, how embarrassing.
Breaking a sweat, how embarrassing.
Even worse- battle wounds! Even if I do break out, how embarrassing.

So I make little plans for myself to stay up late.
Because at night, when nobody's watching, I can do whatever it takes.
But it's not working. Maybe I'm just unmotivated.
At one second I think it's fine and I'm fine and it's all okay,
But another second I'm ready to stab myself.
I want to scream, but nobody would hear anyway, especially at night.
Maybe I can't do it by myself.

However, it's nobody else's liability.
However, I'm ruining friendships because of this shit.
People are sick of hearing it, and I get it.
I'm trying to make myself as unnoticable as possible,
But Freedom Lies in Being Bold.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing.
Nevermind.
I thought I was getting to a conclusion, dammit.
The apathy is killing me, guys.
Killing. Me.

Dear Blog,

What the fuck are you?

You've turned into a piece of shit, and it's all my fault.
For that, I am incredibly sorry.

"If you, remember, remember, I've been trying to get back to the center."

Yeah, you've turned into a piece of shit and it's all my fault. And for that, I really am incredibly sorry. I don't know what else to tell you.

"I'm hoping that you'll change, so we can see straight, someday."

I need school. So I don't have to sit here and h8 lyfe on a shitblog.
Luckily for you, my school starts tomorrow!

Have a nice day.

On Being Exactly Like My Mom.

It's something I never want to do.

However,
She's been in the worst mood lately. And it's been wearing off on me. I am trying to distract myself by friends and happiness, but being at home makes it hard to do so. So every night she gets drunk and drowns in her sorrows, then she goes to bed and I'm left to drown in mine. Which I don't want to do anymore. I'd rather be happy when talking to my friends than be upset, and that's my goal- to have friends for distraction and happiness rather than to vent.

However,
My sister just got in town. I've been yelling at my mom for being upset for having to "share" her. But then she just flew in today. I made sure not to have any plans just so I could be here when she got here. I was waiting for her for two hours. And then I finally texted her because I knew she had to have landed by then. And it turns out she went to my aunt's house in Garden City. Without even seeing me. I am not offended by her being there and not at my house, but... I've only been telling her how excited I am to see her all week. And now she's not even bothering to make an effort to see me. I would make an effort to go out there tonight, but one I can't drive myself and two I'd have to take my mom who will get drunk and embarrass herself and three I have to be up early tomorrow, so I can't be out late tonight.

So I'm kinda disappointed.
So I'm kinda gonna leave the house soon and see Angelina, I hope.
So I'm kinda gonna have a good time.
So I'm kinda gonna piss off my sister for not making a big enough effort.
So I'm kinda gonna be like my mom.

Whatever, this is stupid, it's not going to matter anymore eventually. I just need an outlet.
Kaybye.

People like me because I'm someone they can compliment without having to lie. ;D

I learned a lesson. When Isomeone calls me, I never want to answer. But if I do answer, I feel better in the end. Benefits of being bold.

I like to do things that are out of my character sometimes, but I'm not sure why.

You know what scares the shit out of me?

Recently it has come to my attention
That a lot of my peers are invited to parties, and quite frequently at that.
I don't think I'd really want to go to a party, but I have never been invited to one even, unless it was through my more sociable counterpart, my best friend, that is.

In my world, there aren't even parties. They don't exist, in my world.
So this is new to me, and I'm not sure if I feel disappointed in my social failure,
Or lucky to have been left out of social sucess because I don't think I'd like it much.

Hmmm. :S

"But put yourself in my position, just try to envision witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen."

On Being Honest.

God fucking dammit.

I'm sorry if I present my views in a way that seems harsh. I'm sorry if it seems like I think I'm hot shit, and everyone else is just shit. The cold kind. Or whatever.

I'm really sorry for being honest.

Maybe I should just be incredibly nice all the time.
I kind of generally am nice in my interactions with people.
Within getting bolder, I am growing kinder, and maybe a little more able to express gratitude towards strangers, I hope.

However, within getting bolder, I am learning to stand up for myself. To set standards for myself. Which requires being angry. A lot more, I have been able to say, "I know me more than anyone else. How can I let anyone else tell ME who I am then?!" Which, I think is a fair point.
So, standards. I used to not have any. And now I decided I want to have high standards, because I believe I am a special person. To be HONEST, I don't believe I am going to find what I'm looking for at a community college, and I don't believe it's the right time in my life to be looking for someone to love anyway.

I suppose I should just keep my views to myself, because it's too hard to explain/prove myself, and I don't think I need to. And I suppose I should try to hide all this anger and frustration I feel towards my surroundings. And just be pleasant.

Okay, let's start now.

Down and Out.

I try to avoid posting song lyrics as much as possible, but night after endless night, year after endless year... One song continues to represent how I feel about life in general. Down and Out by The Academy Is...

Out of the box, Out of the kitchen.
Out of the world she's grown so fearful of,
So fearful of.

I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again, my friend.
This is the end.

Out of the house, she grabs the keys.
Runs for the hills and doesn't leave a letter,
That way the impact will be much better.
Away from the man that she's grown so fearful of,
So fearful of.

I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again.

Why, oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Why, oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Life should not be that way.

Always up or down, never down and out.
You dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.

Now that I'm grown I've seen marriages fall to pieces.
Now that I'm grown I've seen friendships fall to pieces.
Weekend warriors and our best friends,
The writers weren't kidding about how all good things must end.
Then again some things, then again some things are far too good,
Some things are far too good, to go when you let go.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace...

We won't forget Tony or Johnny oh, oh.
No matter how they miss us they still wish us the best on the road.
Garrett took a plane to Paris, France,
Now he's cooking up entrees for the pretty, pretty French girls.
Bookends, Blue and Clarity, to The Wall and Grace.
Darkside, Wish, and a toast to late figure eights.
Weekend warriors and our best friends,
The writers weren't kidding but the good things will live in our hearts.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.


This song is about breaking out. About hating home life, living for friendships and young memories, but in the end leaving it behind to break out.

Every single line in this song is extremely meaningful to me, and if you know me, you should be able to get it. I can't bring myself to actually explain.

The people who accuse me of having a superiority complex are those who cannot handle the thought of someone being superior to themselves. Irony.