I love my sister and my two best friends (Lina & Dalton). I can't wait until the day when I can repay them for everything they've done for me.

But one more thing.

I feel like I'm caged inside a glass box.
There's no room to breathe, and it's very uncomfortable.
But everyone can see so I have to pretend it's okay.

Every now and then I show little clues,
"Hey guys, I'm unhappy."
In fact guys, This is the most unhappy I've been in three years.
But I know guys, it's really not your fault.
It's really not your problem to deal with, it's mine.
And if I have a problem, how can I not deal with it?

....Well, duh, because I'm trapped inside this fucking box.
Even attempting to get out of it will show some kind of weakness to my onlookers.
Banging on the glass, but not breaking out, how embarrassing.
Breaking a sweat, how embarrassing.
Even worse- battle wounds! Even if I do break out, how embarrassing.

So I make little plans for myself to stay up late.
Because at night, when nobody's watching, I can do whatever it takes.
But it's not working. Maybe I'm just unmotivated.
At one second I think it's fine and I'm fine and it's all okay,
But another second I'm ready to stab myself.
I want to scream, but nobody would hear anyway, especially at night.
Maybe I can't do it by myself.

However, it's nobody else's liability.
However, I'm ruining friendships because of this shit.
People are sick of hearing it, and I get it.
I'm trying to make myself as unnoticable as possible,
But Freedom Lies in Being Bold.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing.
Nevermind.
I thought I was getting to a conclusion, dammit.
The apathy is killing me, guys.
Killing. Me.

Dear Blog,

What the fuck are you?

You've turned into a piece of shit, and it's all my fault.
For that, I am incredibly sorry.

"If you, remember, remember, I've been trying to get back to the center."

Yeah, you've turned into a piece of shit and it's all my fault. And for that, I really am incredibly sorry. I don't know what else to tell you.

"I'm hoping that you'll change, so we can see straight, someday."

I need school. So I don't have to sit here and h8 lyfe on a shitblog.
Luckily for you, my school starts tomorrow!

Have a nice day.

On Being Exactly Like My Mom.

It's something I never want to do.

However,
She's been in the worst mood lately. And it's been wearing off on me. I am trying to distract myself by friends and happiness, but being at home makes it hard to do so. So every night she gets drunk and drowns in her sorrows, then she goes to bed and I'm left to drown in mine. Which I don't want to do anymore. I'd rather be happy when talking to my friends than be upset, and that's my goal- to have friends for distraction and happiness rather than to vent.

However,
My sister just got in town. I've been yelling at my mom for being upset for having to "share" her. But then she just flew in today. I made sure not to have any plans just so I could be here when she got here. I was waiting for her for two hours. And then I finally texted her because I knew she had to have landed by then. And it turns out she went to my aunt's house in Garden City. Without even seeing me. I am not offended by her being there and not at my house, but... I've only been telling her how excited I am to see her all week. And now she's not even bothering to make an effort to see me. I would make an effort to go out there tonight, but one I can't drive myself and two I'd have to take my mom who will get drunk and embarrass herself and three I have to be up early tomorrow, so I can't be out late tonight.

So I'm kinda disappointed.
So I'm kinda gonna leave the house soon and see Angelina, I hope.
So I'm kinda gonna have a good time.
So I'm kinda gonna piss off my sister for not making a big enough effort.
So I'm kinda gonna be like my mom.

Whatever, this is stupid, it's not going to matter anymore eventually. I just need an outlet.
Kaybye.

People like me because I'm someone they can compliment without having to lie. ;D

I learned a lesson. When Isomeone calls me, I never want to answer. But if I do answer, I feel better in the end. Benefits of being bold.

I like to do things that are out of my character sometimes, but I'm not sure why.

You know what scares the shit out of me?

Recently it has come to my attention
That a lot of my peers are invited to parties, and quite frequently at that.
I don't think I'd really want to go to a party, but I have never been invited to one even, unless it was through my more sociable counterpart, my best friend, that is.

In my world, there aren't even parties. They don't exist, in my world.
So this is new to me, and I'm not sure if I feel disappointed in my social failure,
Or lucky to have been left out of social sucess because I don't think I'd like it much.

Hmmm. :S

"But put yourself in my position, just try to envision witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen."

On Being Honest.

God fucking dammit.

I'm sorry if I present my views in a way that seems harsh. I'm sorry if it seems like I think I'm hot shit, and everyone else is just shit. The cold kind. Or whatever.

I'm really sorry for being honest.

Maybe I should just be incredibly nice all the time.
I kind of generally am nice in my interactions with people.
Within getting bolder, I am growing kinder, and maybe a little more able to express gratitude towards strangers, I hope.

However, within getting bolder, I am learning to stand up for myself. To set standards for myself. Which requires being angry. A lot more, I have been able to say, "I know me more than anyone else. How can I let anyone else tell ME who I am then?!" Which, I think is a fair point.
So, standards. I used to not have any. And now I decided I want to have high standards, because I believe I am a special person. To be HONEST, I don't believe I am going to find what I'm looking for at a community college, and I don't believe it's the right time in my life to be looking for someone to love anyway.

I suppose I should just keep my views to myself, because it's too hard to explain/prove myself, and I don't think I need to. And I suppose I should try to hide all this anger and frustration I feel towards my surroundings. And just be pleasant.

Okay, let's start now.

Down and Out.

I try to avoid posting song lyrics as much as possible, but night after endless night, year after endless year... One song continues to represent how I feel about life in general. Down and Out by The Academy Is...

Out of the box, Out of the kitchen.
Out of the world she's grown so fearful of,
So fearful of.

I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again, my friend.
This is the end.

Out of the house, she grabs the keys.
Runs for the hills and doesn't leave a letter,
That way the impact will be much better.
Away from the man that she's grown so fearful of,
So fearful of.

I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again.

Why, oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Why, oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Life should not be that way.

Always up or down, never down and out.
You dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.

Now that I'm grown I've seen marriages fall to pieces.
Now that I'm grown I've seen friendships fall to pieces.
Weekend warriors and our best friends,
The writers weren't kidding about how all good things must end.
Then again some things, then again some things are far too good,
Some things are far too good, to go when you let go.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace...

We won't forget Tony or Johnny oh, oh.
No matter how they miss us they still wish us the best on the road.
Garrett took a plane to Paris, France,
Now he's cooking up entrees for the pretty, pretty French girls.
Bookends, Blue and Clarity, to The Wall and Grace.
Darkside, Wish, and a toast to late figure eights.
Weekend warriors and our best friends,
The writers weren't kidding but the good things will live in our hearts.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.


This song is about breaking out. About hating home life, living for friendships and young memories, but in the end leaving it behind to break out.

Every single line in this song is extremely meaningful to me, and if you know me, you should be able to get it. I can't bring myself to actually explain.

The people who accuse me of having a superiority complex are those who cannot handle the thought of someone being superior to themselves. Irony.

I don't even know how I feel today.

Finally had a fulfilling conversation today. Life is good. I like when people motivate me to think.

If what I choose to do is "not worth doing," then I wouldn't be doing it. Nuff said.

On a Friend I Value.

I can't say anything anymore at all ever.
But one thing becomes clearer each day.

Words, I'm not good at them lately (I should probably fix that so I can write application essays...), but even in my prime, what I want to say here will sound cliche as hell.

I have one very brilliant friend, who is well-rounded in every way.
I have one, and only one, very brilliant friend, who I can really talk to.
I do not mind this at all. I feel as if explaining anything to anyone else, is pointless.

What do I admire about his brilliancy?
He never tells me what to do... He never even tries.
He listens, and reads. And I know someone is there.
Ultimately, it is up to me to figure my shit out. I know this.
He knows this.
But he's too polite to tell me to shut up.

I could say anything, and he will still be there to hear it.
Even in my craziest of moments, he does not think less of me.

This friend of mine,
To me he is the light,
From a lightbulb that breaks sometimes.
And the tender warmth inside, is released into my life.

This brilliant brilliant human being,
We have something in common.
We have a lot in common.
Funny, when I first mentioned 'pi bonding,' I didn't fully see the bond we have.

We are brought together, on a certain understanding of a certain subject.
We hate this subject, and don't talk of it often, but at the same time,
I am so entirely grateful to have him in my life.

You know how I said well-rounded? Yes.
Of course the aforementioned serious subject brings us closer.
But what we more commonly focus on is making puns.
And making each other laugh.
"Good times" is what I call it, and it is as equally valuable as our common bond.

I don't think I would be the person I am without him.
This is all extremely mushy and cliche and whatever,
But I figured since I am finally feeling SOMETHING,
I would like to express it.

Composed by daylight, falling apart by night.

On Approaches.

I need a new approach.

Used to pour my soul out, then I stopped, neither work.

On Whatever.

I came home from an amazing day.

It's 2 AM.

My mom's being pissy and cussing in the other room, but whatever.

I see my photo album on the computer desk, and remember the stolen pictures I've hid inside of them. Someone, please, tell me why we have pictures of dead fetuses? My mother was pregnant with two twin boys before I was born. Their umbilical cord broke, and the suffocated in the womb. They were still born, meaning my mom birthed them but they were already dead. They had a funeral for them. I have three pictures. Two are of the twins, and they're incredibly morbid. The fetuses are small, shriveled, black (due to lack of oxygen I assume), and almost unhuman looking. The third picture is of my mom, dad, and sisters in front of a tiny coffin in a cemetary. Why do we have these? It's so terribly morbid. When I look at them, my stomach sours. I can't help but wonder if my mom's hobbies had something to do with their deaths...

I don't know why I'm writing about this; I guess it's just on my mind. It's not something I bring up often. I don't understand why I stole the pictures, I don't understand why the pictures were taken in the first place. But when I look at them, I'm completely absorbed, and completely disgusted. When I think about my past, and my family's past, I feel completely disgusted. I keep using the same words over and over, but I don't know. I'm not really in a great state of mind right now.

Meanwhile, my mom just got up and puked. She's been sick. I hope she's okay. I guess. It's weird, and it doesn't make sense, but I'm just annoyed with her. I only hope she's okay because I don't want to have to deal with her. Seeing her bent over in pain just makes me feel like she's pathetic. Why am I so heartless?

Well, I don't think it's anything serious. And if there is something wrong with her, well, I'm sure there's a reason she could have helped that got her sick. But still, I'm heartless. I feel terrible.

But at the same time I just don't give a fuck. I can't. I'm so past the point of caring about her. I know she can't help throwing up right now but I'm annoyed with her for doing so. I am probably not a good person.

I just can't even bring myself to care. Why? Should I care? I don't know.

On Storm Observations.

When a storm arrives, especially at night, the first thing I feel is fear.

How bad will this get? Will the house be okay? What if there's a tornado, or a flood, and I'm asleep? I can't sleep now. What if something bad happens? What if my mom doesn't wake up?

This fear may be rooted in the fact that I used to watch The Wizard of Oz on repeat when I was a child. But I think the main reason I feel fear is because I don't KNOW what's going to happen next. The weather is out of my control, for one. And I've never been in a tornado or anything too drastic like that, so I don't know what will happen, how I'll react, or if life will ever go on.

It seems like the thunder is there to laugh at me, bursting when I'm the most insecure. The lightning flashing vividly only to show the outside in a different light, if you will. The rain and wind dancing together in a frenzied pattern that only adds to my anxiety. My heart pounds like the rain drops on the window panes.

Now, if I could just relax and... what's that saying? "Embrace Nature."
Forget about myself and my house and my possessions that I wish so badly to protect.

Well, one phrase comes to mind.
"A flower never grows if you hide it from the rain."

This is what I experience when I don't hide myself from the rain (hahahah I just called myself a flower!!!):

I feel small, and insignificant. As I should feel, because I am.
I feel like I'm at the mercy of nature. As I should feel, because I am.
I feel slightly amused... How we could spend our whole lives building our skyscrapers and monuments and little manmade things, when this storm could destroy it all in an instant. The things we value so much could be gone if nature had its way with them.

I almost wish that would happen.
Then I could "live deliberately, and front only the essential facts of life."

If all manmade things were wiped out, we would surely rush to build our "civilization" again, but I don't think I would want to. I would enjoy having nothing but the Earth to see and to love. The nature I experience in my home town is tamed, manufactured, and mass-produced. Just the way we like it. I suppose a storm is the only true, uninhibited form of nature I could truly experience here, and for that I am thankful. Even though it's possible to make artificial clouds (pollution and cloud seeding), but that's a different story.

A storm is my only chance to really see nature. There's nothing I or any other human can do to stop it. So I guess the fear comes from lack of control and security.

When the storm settles down it is peaceful, and I can relax. I like the gentle rain. It's like a reassuring voice that the weather will clear. Perhaps the chaos of the storm can be seen as a warning, or a wake up call. It's meant to make me feel afraid and anxious. But if I would realize that the things I really value cannot be washed away by rain, I would not feel afraid.


This is way too fucking long. :/