OKAY. The friends I want-
Are Busy, Brilliant, and in College. Worlds away, where I'll never relate. Not their fault. Sometimes I just feel insecure and unsure that they want my friendship. Referring to plenty more than one person in this situation. I try not to let this show because, like I said, it's not their fault and I don't want to be a bother. I just want to have people to be brilliant with. Not the friends I have.
The friends I have-
I'm sick of our passive aggressive bullshit and making fun of each other instead of talking out our problems. I say repeatedly, if I'm doing something wrong, tell me, and I will maybe get defensive at first... but eventually I will come to my senses and be a better friend. Honestly. I can tell when people are making jokes because they're mad at me for something. I'd prefer if they'd tell me what it is, rather than making me feel guilty for something I'm not sure I'm guilty for. And I hate that I can't even say this because, I myself, am afraid of crossing that line and being open about the problems I have. Because while I am comfortable with the idea that my friends can tell me what I am doing wrong, I am afraid that they are not in the same boat. I feel like anything 'mean' I say will be held against me, forever. When I just want to explain how they make me feel, and how they could be better. But somehow, I'm just never right.
Which is why I wish I had Brilliant friends to spend my time with.
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