I am a Jess Ray and nothing will change that. Maybe I can't exactly define it, but that is what I am.

Making a true attempt at being Bold. I feel more like I'm in italics.

"I love this radium, but I've got a grudge against it!" -Henri Becquerel

I'm Rutherford's gold foil experiment. Alpha particles or ideas bounce off my nucleus. I send them back out. No ideas of my own.

On Writing Blogs.

Captain Fluorine Rayhab on the subject of writing blogs...
I always think of wonderful things to write about, I always think of words that sound so wondeful when they're pieced together in my brain. But I'm always far away from the computer, and my thoughts are too long to submit from my mobile. I sometimes have nice thoughts at school, but I don't want to write them in my AP History notebook and I don't want to make the effort to take my other notebook out of my bag. Or I don't have time, or I'd rather be reading.

I always think of these wonderful, beautiful sounding sentences that I believe to be... fantastic. Inspiring. I had something I've been meaning to write on here for a week, but I haven't had the chance... And now I've forgotten it.

And guess what? These beautiful sentences are almost just like beautiful people- they are mostlikely devoid of meaning. Well, in the aesthetical(sp.?) sense of the word. Of course, my defintion of a 'beautiful person' varies from the norm but... Anyway.

They're meaningless. I sit here and ramble about myself. Who cares? Nobody, and why should they? Emotional Turmoil is not entertaining. Not that I'm here to entertain (I'm not a prophet, but I'm here to profit, that's all), but I wish to Write Things Worth Reading.

This, is not.

So look forward to future blogs based on actual subjects.
When I started writing on here, it was only a place for me to expel my thoughts.
Well now I want to make something out of these thoughts so... We'll see where that gets me.
It's going to involve people actually reading my thoughts. Ha , yes, we'll see where that gets me.

There is more to day than dawn... And more to life than your petty teenage drama that you won't remember a week from now.

It is 12:45 am and I am hiding behind a suitcase on a shelf in meijer.

Pierre Curie was a Bachelor of Science at sixteen and had a master's degree in physics at eighteen. :o

"Marie had no time to give to friendship or love. She loved mathematics and physics."

"First principle: never to let one's self be beaten down by persons or events." -Marie Curie.

Can't Slow Down.

I've written posts with the titles of every song on Can't Slow Down (plus other miscellaneous posts). Now, I think, is the perfect time to review. In such a shameless self-absorbed manner that I lived with my whole life. Go life! (<--my new phrase)



1. Deciding- I was concerned about not being so noble compared to that boy in the sky. I now do not feel like I am on the ground, but I'm not so sure about the sky. I feel good though. But I don't have the zest I used to on this subject. I forgot about making choices deliberately, and the freedom of free will (pun). Must work on that! I also miss having discussions about the sky and noble gases.



2. The Choke- Still haven't defined myself, but I don't want to. I don't have the battle of Solitude vs. Loneliness. For a while I binged on hanging out with people, now I'm slowing down. I'm relaxing, I feel peaceful. The things I talked about in this post were mostly about my worries inside my head. Something has been telling me to ignore worries, and just go for shit anyway. It's not too bad. Less anxiety.



3. Handsome Boy- Infatuation. Didn't last. I still believe everything I said in that post is true. I just don't think I have found my soul mate. And I also haven't felt his complete presence lately. Whether this is my fault or not, I don't care (even though I worry it is). Maybe we'll have good talks again (I sure hope so), but maybe not (I guess I'll live).



4. Blindfolded- About wrapping up loose ends. About how people can seem pathetic sometimes but I still try to remind myself that what they're feeling is real. The total responsibility that was being put on me to not hurt his feelings was stressing me out. I think today I broke the dam... And he knows how I truly feel now. That it's over. We'll see... This is a sore subject.



5. Collision/Three Miles Down- Lost friend. He Came Back though. I am doing what I said I would, I am not expecting anything from him. I'm still confused as to what happened, but I am so overly joyous to have this second chance that I'm not willing to push it. I suppose the guilt I felt, the guilt of doing something wrong to make him dislike me, is gone. I'm just afraid he still might not like me. But that's not worth worrying about, I'd rather just be ignorant and happy about it.



6. Always Ten Feet Tall- More about pathetic people. I hate being so mean, but I hate to get rid of my honest feelings. I still feel these things, and unfortunately, I have let them diminish the original feelings I had for him. I am starting to feel like I was a fool to ever "love" him, because he is a fool himself. Yet there's nothing I can change now, so I'm just trying to make him as happy as possible while still breaking his heart, and I am trying to live free and uncommitted myself.



7. Nebraska Bricks- Handsome Boy Part Two. Yeah, didn't last. Still an amazing person though, who I'd like to know better. Who I'd just like to know, really.



8. Seeing It This Way- Lots of rambling, questioning earlier ideas, talking about how pissed I was that I won't get to take AP Physics next year. There's a chance that I will now, but I still doubt it. I just hold my head high and hope for the future when I will have the opportunity to actually learn the things I am so eager to learn. "The things" being everything, of course.



9. Hot Time In Delaware- A lack of inspiration. Also, my emotions were far to attached to someone else and the reactions I was getting were bringing me down. Well, I learned my lesson and now I'm (once again) free and uncommitted. Free will. Happiness. It's working.



10. Houses and Billboards- Band mothers like to talk shit. I don't care about this anymore, although I probably am bitter.



11. Obsolete- Quizbowl tournament in which I nerd-bonded. I love how I avoid using names on my blog, it makes it very hard to remember who/what I was talking about at the time. I was feeling triumphant, probably on an ego trip. Good times, I really live for those kinds of days.



12. Sometimes, New Jersey- Being amazed by people and then trying to get as much as I could out of them. Being addicted to getting close to people. It's true, that's how I am. Except lately I'm not as inspired by everyone, and I haven't had too many amazing bonding moments. But I believe I'm becoming less intense about it. There's no such thing as urgency anymore, I do not need to get every single bit of awesomeness out of a person in one serving. I will take my time getting to know people, because if you get to know them in one day... what's left? It's just like how the journey to finding an answer is better than the answer (sometimes!).



13. Jodie- Yes, Ideals!!! This post is the closest to how I feel today, obviously, 'cos it's the most recent. I still agree with it 100%.



Cant Slow Down- a journey that has changed me. I always change. I don't think I really want to stay the same though. I think that the more changes I go through, the more different perspectives I have on life. And in a Thoreauan way, I believe that every experience is worth having (okay, maybe not a few...), so different perspectives add extra flavor to experiences I repeat. Well, I don't even know what I'm saying.



Someone asked me a few days ago, why I'm acting so different lately- not a bad different, just different. I said I felt like I achieved self-peace. Which is 1/2 of Goal #4. I don't think I will ever truly define my self-identity, so the other half of that goal is Obsolete now. BUT, anyways, the more I think about it, the more I really do believe I feel peace within myself. I think getting rid of urgency was a BIG part of it. Time is an illusion! I am so full of love. I am also shocked that someone else has noticed the change in me. I thought nobody was paying attention, really.



I feel awesome. Good job, meeeee. and Thanks to everyone who helped this happen. There is a long list of names. I hope the feeling stays. I am fearful that, if I feel so peaceful now... Will I really be able to sustain it my whole life? I mean, I kind of feel like it won't last another week... But urgency fails, and I don't feel like it's a pressing concern. I feel peaceful now, but like I've said before, I change so much! I might not feel peaceful for long, but for now I am good, I am great. When it changes, I will still be just as alive as I am now, and that's what counts. I reached a goal, I think that my happiness and fulfillment now is good enough to make the rest of my life grand. And other happiness will come along too, so... I'm set. Optimism, ew!!



It's too late.

Good night.



Whoever reads this should really tell me though. I don't think anyone reads it. I mean it's okay, it's for personal reflection only, but I would enjoy others' thoughts.



GOOD NIGHT.

The greatest gift you could ever give someone is your time. And we're all in luck! We all have tons of it.

My dream last night was actually like watching a movie more than dreaming. It was neat.

Im reaching out because i feel terrible but there's no one there. Perfect time to learn to do this on my own.

It sucks that this one test could possibly end all hopes of goal #1... So yeah. I'm a little nervous.

Jodie.

"'Cos I keep remembering the day that you said you might go crazy if you spent one more minute with me. I've been thinking 'bout those days, and I don't know, Is one more minute gonna kill you now?"

I don't want to love anyone, in that way. I don't want to have a crush. It's pointless and a waste of energy- energy that could be put forth into things that will last. It just makes me feel so alive...

I have found though, that I'm capable of finding something to love in everyone (some more than others). So rather than falling for the first person that sparks my interest or tickles my fancy, I endeavor to have an ideal. Love will come to me in the form of the person who wishes to spend their life in the same way that I choose to spend mine. And not because I like them and they like me and desire to follow me where ever I go. No, I'm quite certain that either I will find someone that shares my goals in life and who will be the Pierre to my Marie, or I will have no partner and no soulmate. Either way, I think I'll be fine.

But that's just how I feel today. I kind of feel like every day I'm a completely different person than the one I was the day before. I am becoming better at expressing myself, that is for sure. I'm just tired of using the same old words to do it.

I need new Ideas and Inspiration.

"And I don't know but I am trying to let you go, but I can't cut so well these strings I have around my neck. I'm trying to let you know, trying to let you know, I'm doing this by myself."

I've been making the initial effort... Then letting my friends do the rest. Surprisingly, they've been pulling through amazingly.

Goals #6-13*

6. Emit Luna-Lovegood-Radiance.
7. Find deeper meaning every day.
8. Never quit trying (at anything)- no matter how tired I am.
9. Have my own thoughts to cheer me.
10. Love everyone.
11. Never let opportunities pass me by.
12. Never write off the abilities of others.
13. Always stick up for my friends.

*Edited to add the 13th one.
Just like the 13th amendment abolished slavery,
My 13th goal abolishes cowardice.
Yesterday I let a friend down to tend to my own selfish needs, and I am ashamed.

Sometimes, New Jersey.

"I called you up, to see if maybe we could hang out. I told you I was sad & feeling lonely. But I bit my lip, and you said yes. And I thought of how beautiful the night would be. And I thought maybe we could drive around talking about your town, or we could just stay at home. And I could win you over acting cool, just like real romance."

Wow. I've been talking to lots of people lately, getting closer to all of them. And they all amaze me in different ways. There are many valuable people in my life but they're all valuable in different ways. I don't want to miss out on anything, with any of them. Kinda crazy, but it makes me so happy.

But it's kind of like an addiction. Once I have that first initial meaningful conversation with someone, I want more of those conversations. Like I said, I don't want to miss a thing. But that's where things get confusing. I want to have great conversations, and I can have them with lots of people, I've recently discovered. So it helps that there's a lot of people I can talk to, so I don't depend on one. But then again, there are some people who I could talk to only them for the rest of my life and I'd be okay with it. But nobody wants that.

So many great people, but today I feel kind of crappy about everything. I guess it boils down to the fact that I always feel like I care more about people than they do about me. Here I am trying to learn everything about everyone and get to know them on deeper levels and embrace who they are as individuals, and there they go, right out of my life.

I better learn to accept it, or change it.
I vote for change.
But today I'm just tired, and I think I'll keep to myself and give everyone a break.