Can't Slow Down.

I've written posts with the titles of every song on Can't Slow Down (plus other miscellaneous posts). Now, I think, is the perfect time to review. In such a shameless self-absorbed manner that I lived with my whole life. Go life! (<--my new phrase)



1. Deciding- I was concerned about not being so noble compared to that boy in the sky. I now do not feel like I am on the ground, but I'm not so sure about the sky. I feel good though. But I don't have the zest I used to on this subject. I forgot about making choices deliberately, and the freedom of free will (pun). Must work on that! I also miss having discussions about the sky and noble gases.



2. The Choke- Still haven't defined myself, but I don't want to. I don't have the battle of Solitude vs. Loneliness. For a while I binged on hanging out with people, now I'm slowing down. I'm relaxing, I feel peaceful. The things I talked about in this post were mostly about my worries inside my head. Something has been telling me to ignore worries, and just go for shit anyway. It's not too bad. Less anxiety.



3. Handsome Boy- Infatuation. Didn't last. I still believe everything I said in that post is true. I just don't think I have found my soul mate. And I also haven't felt his complete presence lately. Whether this is my fault or not, I don't care (even though I worry it is). Maybe we'll have good talks again (I sure hope so), but maybe not (I guess I'll live).



4. Blindfolded- About wrapping up loose ends. About how people can seem pathetic sometimes but I still try to remind myself that what they're feeling is real. The total responsibility that was being put on me to not hurt his feelings was stressing me out. I think today I broke the dam... And he knows how I truly feel now. That it's over. We'll see... This is a sore subject.



5. Collision/Three Miles Down- Lost friend. He Came Back though. I am doing what I said I would, I am not expecting anything from him. I'm still confused as to what happened, but I am so overly joyous to have this second chance that I'm not willing to push it. I suppose the guilt I felt, the guilt of doing something wrong to make him dislike me, is gone. I'm just afraid he still might not like me. But that's not worth worrying about, I'd rather just be ignorant and happy about it.



6. Always Ten Feet Tall- More about pathetic people. I hate being so mean, but I hate to get rid of my honest feelings. I still feel these things, and unfortunately, I have let them diminish the original feelings I had for him. I am starting to feel like I was a fool to ever "love" him, because he is a fool himself. Yet there's nothing I can change now, so I'm just trying to make him as happy as possible while still breaking his heart, and I am trying to live free and uncommitted myself.



7. Nebraska Bricks- Handsome Boy Part Two. Yeah, didn't last. Still an amazing person though, who I'd like to know better. Who I'd just like to know, really.



8. Seeing It This Way- Lots of rambling, questioning earlier ideas, talking about how pissed I was that I won't get to take AP Physics next year. There's a chance that I will now, but I still doubt it. I just hold my head high and hope for the future when I will have the opportunity to actually learn the things I am so eager to learn. "The things" being everything, of course.



9. Hot Time In Delaware- A lack of inspiration. Also, my emotions were far to attached to someone else and the reactions I was getting were bringing me down. Well, I learned my lesson and now I'm (once again) free and uncommitted. Free will. Happiness. It's working.



10. Houses and Billboards- Band mothers like to talk shit. I don't care about this anymore, although I probably am bitter.



11. Obsolete- Quizbowl tournament in which I nerd-bonded. I love how I avoid using names on my blog, it makes it very hard to remember who/what I was talking about at the time. I was feeling triumphant, probably on an ego trip. Good times, I really live for those kinds of days.



12. Sometimes, New Jersey- Being amazed by people and then trying to get as much as I could out of them. Being addicted to getting close to people. It's true, that's how I am. Except lately I'm not as inspired by everyone, and I haven't had too many amazing bonding moments. But I believe I'm becoming less intense about it. There's no such thing as urgency anymore, I do not need to get every single bit of awesomeness out of a person in one serving. I will take my time getting to know people, because if you get to know them in one day... what's left? It's just like how the journey to finding an answer is better than the answer (sometimes!).



13. Jodie- Yes, Ideals!!! This post is the closest to how I feel today, obviously, 'cos it's the most recent. I still agree with it 100%.



Cant Slow Down- a journey that has changed me. I always change. I don't think I really want to stay the same though. I think that the more changes I go through, the more different perspectives I have on life. And in a Thoreauan way, I believe that every experience is worth having (okay, maybe not a few...), so different perspectives add extra flavor to experiences I repeat. Well, I don't even know what I'm saying.



Someone asked me a few days ago, why I'm acting so different lately- not a bad different, just different. I said I felt like I achieved self-peace. Which is 1/2 of Goal #4. I don't think I will ever truly define my self-identity, so the other half of that goal is Obsolete now. BUT, anyways, the more I think about it, the more I really do believe I feel peace within myself. I think getting rid of urgency was a BIG part of it. Time is an illusion! I am so full of love. I am also shocked that someone else has noticed the change in me. I thought nobody was paying attention, really.



I feel awesome. Good job, meeeee. and Thanks to everyone who helped this happen. There is a long list of names. I hope the feeling stays. I am fearful that, if I feel so peaceful now... Will I really be able to sustain it my whole life? I mean, I kind of feel like it won't last another week... But urgency fails, and I don't feel like it's a pressing concern. I feel peaceful now, but like I've said before, I change so much! I might not feel peaceful for long, but for now I am good, I am great. When it changes, I will still be just as alive as I am now, and that's what counts. I reached a goal, I think that my happiness and fulfillment now is good enough to make the rest of my life grand. And other happiness will come along too, so... I'm set. Optimism, ew!!



It's too late.

Good night.



Whoever reads this should really tell me though. I don't think anyone reads it. I mean it's okay, it's for personal reflection only, but I would enjoy others' thoughts.



GOOD NIGHT.