Stream of Consciousness (Spoiler alert- RANT).

Shit.
It's been a while, since the words of Henry David Thoreau have sparked up the fire in my soul.
Passion.
Where'd it go?
"Remember, get that blood back, scorch your stomach, bleed that passion lost."

I'm not unhappy?
Well. I'm pissed, mostly.
Is that passion?

I hate being angry. While it is a rush of emotion, I have always felt that anger is maintained by ignorance. I have always felt that anger is often unwarranted, and counterproductive. What has anger ever gotten me? Bitterness.

Do I prefer this to the days when I would rather beat myself up with words than stand up for myself against someone who hurt me? I'm not sure.

Having trouble stringing words together, even music isn't calming me.

I feel like I'm probably slowly losing it again.
Again.

Again.

But I'm fucking great.
Hello, Life! Here I Come!
That's how I'm supposed to feel.
I have lots of shit going for me right now.
My life is ready to begin.
I have plenty of homework to keep me motivated,
To keep me just stressed enough.
Class class class class class
So much.
There's going to be so much school. I love school.
Of course, that's not real life.
But it's a start.

However,
Keeping myself busy...
............
Where's the passion?
Where's the meaning?
I am deliberate.
I make deliberate choices.
But I think I forgot the deliberate reasons why I made those choices.

I'm happy
But it's menial.
I'm happy
But not enlightened.

What am I to do?
This has gotten me in a panic right now.
I haven't been able to breathe the last week or so.
Perhaps this has something to do with being quasi-dumped
Thus ending my quasi-relationship
Because I'm young
He was on a coke binge for 3 days
And He doesn't want to make anything yet.
Like it's his choice.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
See, there's my anger, there's my bitterness.
I don't even want to put that on here, I don't want anyone to read that, I don't think that's the business of the public... but I need to get this out.

Panic.
"Hysteria, Hysteria, it's happening again. I fall apart, I fall apart, I'm back where I began."
At least my way to inter... what's the word...
Intertwine?
Intertwine & reference 'outside works' is still here.

Panic.
Why?
There's no
Urgency.
So Why?

Maybe it's because I don't know what I want.
Fragmented thoughts don't work well enough.
I need to go lay in the grass and collect myself, I think that will help.

But anyways, there's a tornado coming. Or something.
And I am terrified. I can't think or breathe.
Maybe I need more sleep.
But I think I just need to
what's that phrase?
Find my center.
Goodbye.
I promise I'll be more coherent next time.
& also. I'm not unhappy. Just insane.