On Going to Hell and Back.

Lots and lots to worry about;
"The Future Freaks Me Out" you could say.

Tonight, my uncle got a DUI.
Not his first. Probably not his last.
My Aunt (his sister; he lives with her because he can't get his shit together)
Is too drunk to drive to the police station to bail him out;
And she hates talking to police because..... She's got something to hide too.
So she got my mom to do all the phone calls.

But guess what?! The bail is $1,490.
Nobody has that much money.
Not even my grandparents, at least not on hand.
Ridiculous.

I know I'm being indulgent with the details but... Why not practice my story telling skills in the process? Try to make the best of a bad situation?

Well anyway. What does this have to do with me? Nothing; and I won't let it have anything to do with me. I'm disgusted. This is my family. BUT GUESS WHAT?! This does have something to do with me. Now my whole family is going to be in debt. Ya see, my uncle finally got a good job. And he's been paying my mom and me to watch his three kids (Oh YEAH, did I mention, he has three kids?! All too young to take care of themselves; hence babysitting?!?!?!?!).

Well he's going to lose his job; he lost his van already. And he's going to be dirt poor the rest of his life. So there goes any extra money we might have got around here.

Money. I hate it.
I hate asking for money.
I have been wanting new shoes for about 4 months, but haven't had the guts to ask for them. The only thing I've bought is tests....... and lots of meals at restaurants because I don't like eating at my house because I Don't Like My House.

But why am I afraid to ask for money?
I mean better that it's spent on me and not drugs right?
But what if the money's all gone soon?
What if she has to choose between drugs and my things?

........What if she chooses drugs?
The reaction I've gotten from people when talking about this is that she's fucking stupid.
Well yeah.
But.


What am I supposed to do then?
I can't get a job. I have a full schedule once school starts. I'll crack.
But I might just have to try anyway.

It seems kind of like the whole world is against me.
All the odds are against me.
How am I supposed to pursue my dreams when I have such big dreams, but even bigger baggage that's not even my fault?

I don't know...... But I'm going to anyway.
I will not let anything stop me.
Money is not something to get worried about; I will be fine.
There are people who love me in this world (believe it or not), including myself.

My sister told me it's only me that I have, but this isn't true.
However, I'm going to act like it is just to show the whole world,
And mostly to show myself,
that I can.
I can do anything.
I don't know how I'll manage that yet,
But it will all work out.

I'm pissed off at my family. Extremely.
But what's the anger going to do? nothing.
All I can do at this point is be better than them for myself.

Nothing is impossible except impossibility.