On Connectedness.

Hmm, last week I went through what I'd like to call an 'existential crisis.' I am not sure if that's a proper use of the term, but I like it for my situation.

Well, I wanted to die, but that's not important, because that's over now.

I suppose the best way to start this would be with Grendel [by John Gardner].

"All order, I've come to understand, is theoretical, unreal-- a harmless, sensible, smiling mask men slide between the two dark, great realities, the self and the world-- two snake-pits."

That has been my attitude as of late.
I wrote a poem titled Nihil ex Nihilo (nothing comes from nothing, I believe, is the loose translation), that basically boils down to this concept.

I often find myself dillusioned with the idea that I am like those around me. That so-and-so "gets" me. No, we will never get each other. Depende de tu punto de vista. Depends on your point of view. We'll never see from the same point. I'll never get to the point. You can come close to see what's going on in my head (this blog is probably your best way to do that), but I mean, I don't even understand me.

All we ever yearn for is to be "got."
To be understood. That's all we crave, is understanding.

"But ever since the dawn of civilization, people have not been content to see events as unconnected and inexplicable. They have craved an understanding of the underlying order in the world. Today we still yearn to know why we are here and where we came from. Humanity's deepest desire for knowledge is justification enough for our continuing quest. And our goal is nothing less than a complete description of the universe we live in."
-Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time

In order to understand things.... that's what we do. We connect things. That are completely unrelated. This post is a perfect example. Somehow, I have managed to relate Grendel to Stephen Hawking in order to better understand my concept of connectedness. I have always admired the ability of writers who can integrate many different elements into their thinking and writing, and it's something I've been trying to improve on.

Well, last weekend in my crisis... I realized the bare unconnectedness of the universe. Just like when you think you're on the same page with someone, and suddenly you're not... Everything that happened, you made up in your head. You jump to conclusions in your head, make unfounded connections. I had this realization, but with the whole universe. I was at odds with everything, and what it meant.

It's really fucking scary and confusing. I'm still not sure how I feel. But I woke up at 5pm on Sunday and decided I would be okay, and maybe if I held out for a little while, something would fall into place. And as of right now it seems to be working. A year from today I will be in New Jersey, whether at Princeton or Rutgers. I can't quite work out the connection as to why I love NJ so much (besides the fact that my favorite musicians orginated there), but I know in my soul that it's where I want to be.

Nothing really makes sense, and I have not too much to believe in, besides myself and my Jersey future. I am not sure which connections are safe to make and which ones I should leave alone. It's just really frightening to look at something and realize its solitude in relation to the universe. All importance we put into things is.... made up by our eagerness to make connections. You look at something, and it automatically triggers all sorts of memories or similar things. In one sense, I believe this is beautiful and an amazing quality of the human mind... But I am fearful that it can lead to a great falsification of reality.