Nothing gold can stay?

Fwd: From: +13612370096 Msg: We will last forever you will always be in my life..always :-) that's real smile

2010. The year when all my dreams will come true!

Obsolete.

Funny, Obsolete is one of my favorite songs, but it's probably the least fitting song on Can't Slow Down for the title of this post.

Today was a great day. Instead of thinking about doing things, I actually did things.
I bonded with friends & new friends.
I expressed myself to the people I love/care about.
I even read a little bit.
And I magicall guessed The Old Man and the Sea, and I was right.

This is what I've been waiting for, to put things into practice.
It worked out beautifully. I don't even have any regrets, right now.

Well except sometimes I feel like I talk myself into holes but I'm not worrying right now.
Whatever happens will happen, and it's my responsibility to make the best of it.

I used to tell myself, why be sad when you can just be happy? It's a lot more fun and enjoyable to be happy, obviously. It's such a simple task, just deciding you're going to be happy. But you have to do it yourself. And sometimes when I'm sad, I think of this idea, but I willingly decide to be sad. Why? Well, I guess Obsolete does fit. "Sometimes it's the comfort of being so sad, sometimes it feels so right." Chris Conley wrote those words, and he also says- Sadness happens. Let it come, and accept it, and let it pass. I love it.

Don't know what I'm talking about.

PS, you're beautiful and that's what scares me. I'm sorry if you don't want this, I don't know how you feel of course. I'm paranoid and a little mixed up in this area, but I what I do know for certain is that you're beautiful.

I love being around people that inspire me to go far in life. Even though they don't know how much of an effect they have on me.

It's moments like this that i live for.

Not going to lie, reading Walden has changed my life.
So has AP English.
I feel like I am learning more than silly rhetorical strategies.
I am learning about life.
I'm very thankful for this, because if I hadn't had this opportunity, I might not be truly "awake" today.


PS-
43 posts? Geeeeeez.

Today i learned that tournaments stress me out and put me in a weak mental+physical state.

It's not enough to be good at something. I want to be good FOR something.

Spent time in the cave today looking at shadows rather than studying and now i'm off track.

Houses And Billboards.

Apparently, the band parents at Southgate Anderson have had conversations about me.
I am "that dumb girl that Kevin was dating, who broke up with him, and just before his birthday!" But apparently, it is also well known that I have "family problems."


Maybe it's none of their business,
Maybe they don't even know me?
This doesn't hurt my self-confidence, but it makes me angry.
I really hope when I'm older I don't get that ignorant.
This is why I'm intimidated by adults, because they automatically assume I'm stupid.
I'm not going to be that way as an adult.

I also hope that when I'm an adult, I don't sit around with a bunch of old women talking crap about teenage girls because they broke up with my son.

It's funny that they say my "family problems" are an excuse for me to be such a terrible person. At least I can admit to it, and don't waste so much energy in effort in holding up the image of being a "normal family." Everyone thinks their family is so perfect but I've been close enough to see how lacking it truly is.


This is more of an angry rant than anything. But I now know who I never want to be.
I'm going to leave these stupid suburbs and move on to greater things.
I'm going to do things with my life that hold true meaning.
And we'll see who questions my intelligence then.
Yeah, sure, say that it was cruel of me to break up with him- that's probably true.
But don't question my intelligence.

Okay so definite self identity is a longshot but for real i want peace within myself.

Stop it jessca. Youre being silly. It doesn't matter. Youre fine.

Stop it jessca. Youre being silly. It doesn't matter. Youre fine.

Hot Time In Delaware.

"Oh, how pretty the sky is. I oughta go there on a rocket, that never comes down. Which way do we go now sailor, this way? No hun, this way."

"Maybe I should be subtle more, maybe I should be pure."

Or maybe I should be myself.
I kind of like me sometimes.
I haven't been acting like it lately.

"Isn't it ironic? You still have ideals... and I still have nothing."

Lies, I do have ideals. Plenty of them.
I came up with all these ideas and wrote them in this blog and never followed through with them. Such is often the case. Pointless. I'm tired today but I'm still awake enough to be re-inspired. Come on, finish what you started. Don't forget to be awesome, like the nerdfighters say.

Feelings are fleeting and my heart is misleading,
I took my turns looking at the sun but it burns.
I'm in the sky but I'm not sure I can fly,
I'm tumbling down, I have no king to wear my crown.

More later if I think of more.
^it's stupid, and doesn't make sense, and there's more i want to say but I can't keep up with the form right now.

I feel like i've done something wrong. Bleh.

Sometimes I do want answers. I just don't want to ask the questions. Like, Of What Value Am I? I don't want to ask.

"It always finds me." I live for the times when it doesn't find me, and live through the times when it does. The end.

Sometimes I choose to spend time in the cave. You know what they say, ignorance is bliss.

Seeing It This Way

Can I have my own thoughts to cheer me?
I think so, yes. I might not exercise this ability all the time, but yes, I do.
I am cheered by learning new things and making puns.
My own thoughts provide enough cheer.

Can I have my own thoughts to make me feel alive,
Like I'm "awake" in Thoreau's sense,
To feel like I'm in the sky,
To feel like a noble gas?
I'm not so sure.

I've only felt truly alive once.
And I wasn't alone.
I felt alive because of the conversation I had with another.
Is this wrong? Should I be able to feel alive on my own?
I'm not really sure.

In other news, my face itches really bad and I can't tell if it's emerging acne or just a rash.

Also, I find it to be pathetic that the most upsetting thing I've had to deal with this week is my disappointment at the fact that I probably won't get to take AP Physics next year. This makes me want to scream, knowing that the seniors this year had chances that I won't simply because they're, well, let's face it, more intelligent than my class, and more academically driven. My class is afraid of AP Physics because of the effect it will have on their GPA. But what about the things they could actually learn? Okay, so they don't all want to be scientists so maybe they wouldn't really want to learn physics... But could it really hurt? Why not learn something just for the sake of learning? I understand, not everyone has this viewpoint. But it's not a bad viewpoint... And Okay, it's probably selfish that I am trying to push everyone else to take AP Physics just so there will be a class. It's okay that they don't want to, but I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like I'm missing out.

Southgate Anderson, your science department sucks.
What is a sigma bond? A pi bond? Dalton tried to tell me, I forgot.

Sorry for ranting.

Goals #1-5

I figured I would like to have an ongoing documentation of my goals somewhere.
So I chose this blog.
I will continue my Saves The Day titled blogs, and integrate Goal blogs every now and then.
(?) = not sure but i'll try my hardest.

1. Princeton University. (?)
2. Learn a million foreign languages, travel everywhere.
3. Become a chemist, of course.
4. Internal peace/self-identity.
5. Become ambidextrous and be able to write in two languages at once.


That's all for now!

I have a lot of blog writing juice in me, but i have to write essays instead.

Don't even want to go home because I know i'm doing nothing but homework today. I feel dizzy.

I always say i can't explain things... But i will never stop trying to.

The bricks again. I just got so weak. It's pathetic. He's beautiful.

Talking about my brothers. She says it was so expensive to bury them. They're dead and they're still a burden?

Nebraska Bricks.

Sometimes I forget to think about you
And then something randomly reminds me of you.
It feels like getting hit by a ton of bricks.

I don't really mind it
I just keep losing my breath over it.
I really, actually, enjoy it.
I can't even explain this, I'm not going to try.

Rolling. No stopping. The ever present possibility of falling slows me down.

Skateland? Ugh. Be calm. Be happy. Make the most of it!

Always Ten Feet Tall

You're a great person, and I've said I'm not going to talk you down to make myself feel better about what I did to you.

But....

You tell me you're not close with anyone anymore. I can't really tell, but I don't think you ever were. Maybe... It kills me to say this but... Maybe if you actually cared more about people than about your possessions...

I mean I know you cared about me, I know you care about people. But you never do anything for them really. You never show it unless you're trying to get something for yourself.

Take our relationship out of the picture, but focus on your friendships for a second.

You can talk on hours about how you want to live in a nice house, in a nice place, with nice things. You can see pictures of tropical places and swoon and you can spend hours in the store looking at furnature.

It's great that you like these things.
But do you ever think about anything besides yourself, and the THINGS you want?
What about all the great people around you? There are so many talented people in your class, and you've had all these years to get to know them and.... what do you have to show for it?

I mean, I know you better than anyone else and I know you have a hard time showing your emotions (to people other than me...). I understand, I swear. I just think when you're lonely, maybe you should think about who you care about, and how to let them know.

I know you're hurting right now, and I'm really sorry. Haha, you're never going to read this.
I'm just trying to get it off my mind. This doesn't really fit in with all my other blogs, but I don't care. It's my thoughts.

Collision/Three Miles Down.

If it hasn't already become obvious, I'm titling my entries in the order of songs on Cant Slow Down (a Saves the Day album). This should be Collision, but I'm adding Three Miles Down.

I dedicated this song to Cody, my best bro, my best friend. That was where it got fuzzy.
We aren't friends anymore, and not by my choice.

Says Remington,

And yes he did dump his feelings all over you and yes you were glad to feel this
trust from someone else. It made you feel special and wanted, as selfish as it
sounds, that is exactly what it did. And you're hurting from him because of
this decision he made. You're always going to worry, with how honest you are,
just you wanted more of an explanation and reason from him when he made
this decision.

I couldn't have put it better myself.
I tell myself I'm getting over this, I tell myself I won't say his name again.
Then every night I cry over it. Every night I dream that he's texting me again, that he's "back."
I know it's incredibly selfish.

I want to fucking walk, barefoot, without stopping to Texas and grab him by the collar of his plaid button-down shirt and yell, "Look what you've done to me! Look at how you've hurt me." I know this is wrong. He didn't do anything to me, I did this to me. But this is my natural reaction, I will not hide from it. I have been posting things on twitter hoping they'll reach him. I'm ashamed of this, I haven't admitted this even to myself. I'm making desperate last-ditch efforts. Talking to our mutual friends. I feel like they know everything, that he probably told them exactly what I did wrong. I feel so alienated from them. When I ask anyone about him, they clam up, they say they don't talk as much with him lately, they say He's Weird Like That Just Give Him Space. After all, he did say I'll Be Back, I Just Don't Know When.

He didn't do this to anyone else. Just me. They say they don't talk much with him anymore, but they do talk, and he didn't exile them. And he would HATE me for this blog, because I'm putting this so out in the open. I want to reach out to him and say Look At My Pain. But this is so selfish. I miss him, but it's with the blindfold on. It's from my own perspective for my own good, and I'm not looking at the bigger picture.

He doesn't want me in his life anymore. I feel like this is because I did something wrong. He claims it's not, but I still get the feeling it's not. Either way, he did make his decision. There's nothing I can change about it, although I feel if maybe I had done something better... but what? I'll never know.

Maybe he will be back some day, and I won't take him for granted, and I will make the biggest effort just to appreciate him. And with this second chance I won't care only for my own good, I won't care so he will care about me. I will care selflessly. Of course, I can do that without the second chance. I can do that right now. I can throw my hands up and say It's Okay That I'm Not In His Life As Long As He Wants This Life. I Cannot Force Myself On Him And Trying To Show Him My Pain Will Not Make Anything Better.

So why can't I just feel that way? Why am I stopping myself? Why am I sitting here in tears over him, every night? Why am I feeling sorry for myself, wishing he could see my pain? Hoping that I will someday get to him? Why? ....There really is no reason, besides the fact that I'm naturally selfish.

I want to let go and accept everything, but then there's that I'll Be Back part. Maybe it will be today, maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be twenty years from now, maybe it will be never. If that day ever comes though, I want to be able to say, This Is How Much You Mean To Me. I want to say, There Hasn't Been A Day You Haven't Crossed My Mind. But would he really want to know the other half of that? That every time he crosses my mind I cry? Probably not. It's not doing anything good for anyone. Which makes me understand why Kevin says sadness is not a productive emotion.

I mourn for a lost friend. It only makes it harder to bear that we were separated voluntarily. Hopefully this grief will go away, but I have a feeling it won't be going away by itself. It's my job to not let it linger for too long. I know I want to be Good and get rid of these selfish feelings. I don't know if I am ready yet. I don't know why I wouldn't be ready either. I just feel hurt. I need to get over that, badly. Move on.

There's more of life left to see than this one friendship, than this one incident that causes me so much pain. I will live life, and let him live his. I truly do want him to be happy. I just have a hard time understanding why he can't have me in his life and be happy at the same time.

Sorry for length.

Blindfolded.

It has become increasingly hard to make decisions based upon my free will lately. This is because I feel like you've heaved the responsibility of your own happiness upon me. Upon my reactions to you. It's okay, I do the same, maybe not to you, but I do this too.

Thoreau says, "We are the subjects of an experiment which is not a little interesting to me. Can we not do without the society of our gossips a little while under these circumstances, --have our own thoughts to cheer us?"

Can we have our own thoughts to cheer us?

I'll turn this away from you, and towards me.
I often base my happiness on those around me, on whether or not they 'care,' on whether or not they are happy themselves, and so on.
This is selfish, and lazy.

Why should I use these people for my own good? For my own wants, that aren't needs? Those little vacancies in my heart where I feel empty, I try to fill with others' opinions of me. This is selfish, because there are so much more to people than their opinions of me. I will not base my opinion on someone, based on their opinion of me any longer. I will embrace each person for who they are, regardless of my own emotional involvement.

This is lazy, because by relying on others to fill the emptiness, I am avoiding the much harder task, of having my own thoughts to cheer me. However, I will endeavor (that rhymes!) to make it a habit, to be cheered by my thoughts and passions- the things I love. Even the people I love, but in a way that does not have to do with my own interests.

I will take off the blindfold that stops me from seeing things outside myself.

And I'm not ready to imply what that means about you. You're still a great person, I will always love you. Just not in a way that will completely fill your emptiness.

The panic, the tear-stained glasses, the scratched arms, the melodrama. I won't have that anymore.

There hasn't been one day this year that i haven't thought about you. The tears, well, they're not half as bad as my fears.

I hate blushing. Especially when it gets so bad that i want to pass out. Why?

I wish so badly to become a blank slate again. But i can't be noble with a full shell and blank at the same time.

Handsome Boy.

I said, "That boy's handsome."
A little bit of me wanted to be Beautiful.
Carrie said, "It's hard to look in the mirror these days,
when everyone, has everything, you'd rather be."
There's just something about his smile, he looks so nice.
I wish I had friends like that, they'd always be there for me.

You're gorgeous.
When you told me you don't know where you are sometimes,
I got lost myself.
It was such a simple thing.
But knowing that about you made me adore you so much more.
I like to call you just to hear your voice.
I'm sorry for the rambling.
I'm sorry for being this way, for not being able to hold it in.
I just think you're great.
And that's all that matters to me.
I could go on for hours.

You are the only person who, when I'm talking to you, I feel like you are really There. I can't explain this too well, it's just, you are completely present. Your mind is in the moment, not preoccupied with more important things. And I appreciate that.

Thanks.

Ordered food without getting embarrassed. That is a big step.

I don't need to settle for a goddamn representative element. I can get those noble gases i adore to react to me!

I really really miss my best bro. & it seems like i am the only one he has ditched.

What could i possibly give to you? Well, here. Take my heart. Not that it's worth much, but it's all i have.

I'm going to stop analyzing my feelings and let them engulf me for a few minutes.

inimum and I am okay with that.

Here is my chance to get ahead. To get ahead in my homework that is. But my free will is telling me I'd rather do something else. So I will do the bare m

The Choke.

Here I am.
Alone vs. Lonely, Solitude vs. Sadness.

Thoreau discusses this. This is his question, and this is my question too-
"Can we not do without the society of our gossips a little while under these circumstances, --have our own thoughts to cheer us?"

Self-reliance. Can I be self-reliant for my own happiness? Thoroeau, he finds "it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating."

I agree with this. I read that line, and identified with it completely. I have known this for years- that I cannot spend too much time with other people or I go insane. I have been saying this for years. It is my excuse to distance myself from people to find who I am again. But will the cycle ever end? As much as I am crushed by old friends abandoning my friendship, I am guilty of the same thing. As soon as someone gets too close to me, I push them right away. Is the solution to never get close to people, or to never get sick of people? I could hope for a happy medium, but this is something that will just take time to figure out.

So yes, I enjoy loneliness- "sometimes I'd like to be around noone for ten straight years," Chris Conley put it perfectly. "But I know this feeling can't bring me places, and I know I'm losing lots of ground. But to keep up means to get up." Sometimes I don't want to get up.

Yet, when I do find myself alone at last... That's when I wish I wasn't. I long for anything- a text message even, just to know I'm still a part of someone else's life. This is not what I want. This is not going to help me become a noble gas, it will only keep me on the ground.

Perhaps the fact that being lonely makes me want communication with others is what makes it worth it, because I realize that I DO want communication, and that I don't completely hate everyone. Like distance makes the heart grow fonder. I can have time to recognize, and miss, the good in people. However, I feel like it's not so 'altruistic' as it seems. I feel my loneliness is still selfish, and I have my own motives.

I want loneliness so I can see who still cares about me, and who will make an effort to show me. But who cares about who cares? What does it matter, if so-and-so texts me because they miss me? Does that make me a better person? Well, maybe it will make me feel better about myself. But should I let that determine who I think I am? No. Because so-and-so might not always miss me. And when they don't miss me, that doesn't mean I've lost all my merit. But by relying on so-and-so's reaction to shape my views of myself could easily make me think I've lost all my merit.

People's reactions to me can influence my ideas of who I am. But they should never determine those ideas. This is something I need to experiment with, and apply to myself now.

My next question is... How do I define myself independently, without the help of others?

Deciding.

I am fluorine. I am on the ground.
I want to be a noble gas. I want to be in the sky.

The sky, the noble gas I'm aiming for, is defined, by me, as this:
Being aware of your free will. Realizing others can influence your truth, but not determine it.

While science may say it's impossible to be noble without the help of other elements to fill my electron shell... we'll leave that for another time. It's very tangable to reach for the sky. To reach the sky.

This is my goal.
I will apply this to myself.
I will be aware of my free will, I will make my choices "deliberately."

This blog will be an output of that. I will post blogs from the computer and from my cell phone, whenever I feel the need to. That is, whenever I have discovered a new part of myself. Whenever I notice myself exerting my free will by making my own decisions. I will post many blogs, perhaps more than is called for by the norm, but that will not stop me.
This blog is not for anybody but myself. It is a living, breathing, document.
A Constitution of my own.

It's something to get used to. I wake in the morning and can't do anything but daydream. My head is in the clouds. Does that mean I am in the sky?