I dedicated this song to Cody, my best bro, my best friend. That was where it got fuzzy.
We aren't friends anymore, and not by my choice.
Says Remington,
And yes he did dump his feelings all over you and yes you were glad to feel this
trust from someone else. It made you feel special and wanted, as selfish as it
sounds, that is exactly what it did. And you're hurting from him because of
this decision he made. You're always going to worry, with how honest you are,
just you wanted more of an explanation and reason from him when he made
this decision.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
I tell myself I'm getting over this, I tell myself I won't say his name again.
Then every night I cry over it. Every night I dream that he's texting me again, that he's "back."
I know it's incredibly selfish.
I want to fucking walk, barefoot, without stopping to Texas and grab him by the collar of his plaid button-down shirt and yell, "Look what you've done to me! Look at how you've hurt me." I know this is wrong. He didn't do anything to me, I did this to me. But this is my natural reaction, I will not hide from it. I have been posting things on twitter hoping they'll reach him. I'm ashamed of this, I haven't admitted this even to myself. I'm making desperate last-ditch efforts. Talking to our mutual friends. I feel like they know everything, that he probably told them exactly what I did wrong. I feel so alienated from them. When I ask anyone about him, they clam up, they say they don't talk as much with him lately, they say He's Weird Like That Just Give Him Space. After all, he did say I'll Be Back, I Just Don't Know When.
He didn't do this to anyone else. Just me. They say they don't talk much with him anymore, but they do talk, and he didn't exile them. And he would HATE me for this blog, because I'm putting this so out in the open. I want to reach out to him and say Look At My Pain. But this is so selfish. I miss him, but it's with the blindfold on. It's from my own perspective for my own good, and I'm not looking at the bigger picture.
He doesn't want me in his life anymore. I feel like this is because I did something wrong. He claims it's not, but I still get the feeling it's not. Either way, he did make his decision. There's nothing I can change about it, although I feel if maybe I had done something better... but what? I'll never know.
Maybe he will be back some day, and I won't take him for granted, and I will make the biggest effort just to appreciate him. And with this second chance I won't care only for my own good, I won't care so he will care about me. I will care selflessly. Of course, I can do that without the second chance. I can do that right now. I can throw my hands up and say It's Okay That I'm Not In His Life As Long As He Wants This Life. I Cannot Force Myself On Him And Trying To Show Him My Pain Will Not Make Anything Better.
So why can't I just feel that way? Why am I stopping myself? Why am I sitting here in tears over him, every night? Why am I feeling sorry for myself, wishing he could see my pain? Hoping that I will someday get to him? Why? ....There really is no reason, besides the fact that I'm naturally selfish.
I want to let go and accept everything, but then there's that I'll Be Back part. Maybe it will be today, maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be twenty years from now, maybe it will be never. If that day ever comes though, I want to be able to say, This Is How Much You Mean To Me. I want to say, There Hasn't Been A Day You Haven't Crossed My Mind. But would he really want to know the other half of that? That every time he crosses my mind I cry? Probably not. It's not doing anything good for anyone. Which makes me understand why Kevin says sadness is not a productive emotion.
I mourn for a lost friend. It only makes it harder to bear that we were separated voluntarily. Hopefully this grief will go away, but I have a feeling it won't be going away by itself. It's my job to not let it linger for too long. I know I want to be Good and get rid of these selfish feelings. I don't know if I am ready yet. I don't know why I wouldn't be ready either. I just feel hurt. I need to get over that, badly. Move on.
There's more of life left to see than this one friendship, than this one incident that causes me so much pain. I will live life, and let him live his. I truly do want him to be happy. I just have a hard time understanding why he can't have me in his life and be happy at the same time.
Sorry for length.
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