128- Atlas, At Last.

Atlas, at last
Don't let too much time pass.
For time is running out,
And I am just running about.

Direction, can't find it.
Desperation, can't hide it.
Faith- why fake it?
My life- just take it.

A frightening sight to see
The helpless, hopeless plight of me
Crashing ruins of that tower so high
Babbling, "Oh Babel," yes, that is I.

Fragility and futility
Intellectual capability
This inevitable duality
Causes great fatality

Crushed by the weight of the world
Fighting with fists clenched, fingers curled
Flattened, battered, beaten to death
Gasping for an unachievable breath.

Atlas, at last
Finally crosses my path.
Raises the difficulty with ease
And finally, I am able to breathe.

I'm sick of being tired but never sleeping. Sick of being hungry and never eating. Of being lonely. Merry Christmas.

I think I have a guess as to what "it" is... A sense of reality? Could that be it?

Even rebellions follow precedents, and that discourages me.

All I ever really want is for every piece of literature ever to relate back to Plato's Allegory of the Cave.

"I think, therefore I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." ?

I'm hungry for knowledge and thirsty for love.

On The Ups & Downs

Sometimes I am happy,
Those are good times.

And sometimes I get sad.
Very very very sad.
Now, I never get angry.
And on the rare occasions when I do,
I direct my anger towards myself.
It's not very friendly.

All the negative emotions, I try to avoid.
When they happen,
I ride out the storm.

When I get happy again,
It's great....
But always tainted by the fear
Of going back down.

On Intellectuals, and Niches

"If only I could find my people or my place in life"

Hmm.
Been finding more intelligent people to talk with,
But it's like the social bullshit you have to go through to get to that point of open intellectual discussion makes it not even worth it.

Honestly the only thing I can relate this to is the narrator of Invisible Man becoming a part of the "Brotherhood." Let me expand.

The narrator finally found something to belong to, to further his cause.
Turned out, it was a lie.
A light without the t. A ligh.

And well, that's all I can really say.
This shit is still an illusion. People still aren't "real."
Reality, what the fuck is that shit?

On Comfort Zones.

My whole life has been a series of comfort zones.
Trapped inside an electron cloud ya know?
More like trapped inside the eye of a hurricane,
A blind eye.

Shit, I'm getting so complex up in hurr.

Well. Over the last few years I have expanded my comfort zones, gradually.
A lot, yes, but not enough.

I am so far behind.
Yes, march to the beat of your own drum,
But you have to march. Not crawl. Not drag your damn feet.
March, bitches.

April.
And May
Be one day I'll March.

See what my mind has turned into?

Well anyway, I am so far behind. I feel as if the time for experimentation, to figure out how the world works, how people act/react in situations, has passed.
Everyone around me has already figured this shit out, and I haven't even started.
Where have I been?

Oh, yes, "on my own little island," reading books. Avoiding reality. Learning how fictional people act, assuming real people are the same way. Never.

However, It's Never Too Late To Start.
I know this!
Just makes me feel even more out of my comfort zone in the attempt to start,
But I'm going to start.
Tomorrow.

Tomorrow Too Late?


Okay, done with the references nobody catches.
I hate winter.
Going to read more books and avoid more people.
Good night.

Today, so far, has been a great success. A+ to me. Let's hope chem lab doesn't phuck it up.

There are currently 14 books IN MY BED.

Some sappy lyrics, mkay?

"You are the knock of my knees,the swollen sound of each song I scribble down and tear up, because they never match up. You are the words I fumble for. In the morning, you are the daybreak, and I am glad. And at night, you are the dream I fall asleep to have."

"At some point I'll call you and tell you I miss you, and you are the point of my days. And my face will get flushed, and my throat will choke up when you tell me that you feel the same."

"So tonight I will call you and try to say thank you for being the sun on my face. I know the world's almost over, but you make it seem better, and I hope for you I do the same."

All Kevin Devine lyrics.
Yeah I don't know. :3

On Jimmy Joyce

This belongs on my book blog, but i don't give a fuck.
Here are some great words from A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:

"The hour when he too would take part in the life of that world seemed drawing near and in secret he began to make ready for the great part which he felt awaited him the nature of which he only dimly apprehended."

"The ambition which he felt astir at times in the darkness of his soul sought no outlet."

"By his monstrous way of life he seemed to have put himself beyond the limits of reality. Nothing moved him or spoke to him from the real world unless he heard in it an echo of the infuriated cries within him."

"He had not died but he had faded out like a film in the sun. He had been lost or had wandered of of existence for he no longer existed. How strange to think of him passing out of existence in such a way, not by death, but by fading out in the sun or by being lost and forgotten somewhere in the universe!"

"'Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on the earth,
Wandering companionless...?'"
(^that's a Shelley poem that Joyce integrated into the book, I love it).

"To merge his life in the common tide of other lives was harder for him than any fasting or prayer and it was his constant failure to do this to his own satisfaction which caused in his soul at last a sensation of spiritual dryness together with a growth of doubts and scruples."

"His destiny was to be elusive of social or religious orders."

"He was destined to learn his own wisdom apart from others or to learn the wisdom of others himself wandering among the snares of the world."

"This was the call of life to his soul, not the dull gross voice of the world of duties and despair, not the inhuman voice that had called him to the pale service of the altar."

"There was a lust of wandering in his feet that burned to set out for the ends of the earth."

"His thinking was a dusk of doubt and semitrust, lit up at moments by the lightnings of intuition, but lightnings so clear a splendour that in those moments the world perished about his feet as if it had been fire consumed: and thereafter his tongue grew heavy and he met the eyes of others with unanswering eyes for he felt that the spirit of beauty had folded him round like a mantle and that in reverie at least he had been acquanted with nobility."

"The ivy whines upon the wall,
And whines and twines upon the wall,
The yellow ivy upon the wall,
Ivy, ivy up the wall."

"Contrahit orator, variant in carmine vates."
(An orator summarizes, poets vary their verses.)

"It wounded him to think that he would never be but a shy guest at the feast of the world's culture and that the monkish learning, in terms of which he was striving to forge out an esthetic philosophy, was held no higher by the age he lived in than the subtle and curious jargons of heraldry and falconry."

Everything here just feels so stale. The air, the experiences.

I need to spend less time trying to be less lonely, and spend more time reading books that make me happy.

I had the most inspiring thoughts today. I tried to share them during my two hours between school and school, but nobody wanted to listen.

On Boxes

I am considering going back to my summer ways.
Of building walls and whatnot.

I was so good at faking it back then.
I am so not good at faking it anymore.
I can't even be real as well as I used to.
I can't even be real.
I can't even be.
I can't even.
I can't.

I can't even hang out with people to distract myself, because being around people upsets me even more. What's wrong with me.

It sounds silly, but I am always questioning my existence.

On Connectedness.

Hmm, last week I went through what I'd like to call an 'existential crisis.' I am not sure if that's a proper use of the term, but I like it for my situation.

Well, I wanted to die, but that's not important, because that's over now.

I suppose the best way to start this would be with Grendel [by John Gardner].

"All order, I've come to understand, is theoretical, unreal-- a harmless, sensible, smiling mask men slide between the two dark, great realities, the self and the world-- two snake-pits."

That has been my attitude as of late.
I wrote a poem titled Nihil ex Nihilo (nothing comes from nothing, I believe, is the loose translation), that basically boils down to this concept.

I often find myself dillusioned with the idea that I am like those around me. That so-and-so "gets" me. No, we will never get each other. Depende de tu punto de vista. Depends on your point of view. We'll never see from the same point. I'll never get to the point. You can come close to see what's going on in my head (this blog is probably your best way to do that), but I mean, I don't even understand me.

All we ever yearn for is to be "got."
To be understood. That's all we crave, is understanding.

"But ever since the dawn of civilization, people have not been content to see events as unconnected and inexplicable. They have craved an understanding of the underlying order in the world. Today we still yearn to know why we are here and where we came from. Humanity's deepest desire for knowledge is justification enough for our continuing quest. And our goal is nothing less than a complete description of the universe we live in."
-Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time

In order to understand things.... that's what we do. We connect things. That are completely unrelated. This post is a perfect example. Somehow, I have managed to relate Grendel to Stephen Hawking in order to better understand my concept of connectedness. I have always admired the ability of writers who can integrate many different elements into their thinking and writing, and it's something I've been trying to improve on.

Well, last weekend in my crisis... I realized the bare unconnectedness of the universe. Just like when you think you're on the same page with someone, and suddenly you're not... Everything that happened, you made up in your head. You jump to conclusions in your head, make unfounded connections. I had this realization, but with the whole universe. I was at odds with everything, and what it meant.

It's really fucking scary and confusing. I'm still not sure how I feel. But I woke up at 5pm on Sunday and decided I would be okay, and maybe if I held out for a little while, something would fall into place. And as of right now it seems to be working. A year from today I will be in New Jersey, whether at Princeton or Rutgers. I can't quite work out the connection as to why I love NJ so much (besides the fact that my favorite musicians orginated there), but I know in my soul that it's where I want to be.

Nothing really makes sense, and I have not too much to believe in, besides myself and my Jersey future. I am not sure which connections are safe to make and which ones I should leave alone. It's just really frightening to look at something and realize its solitude in relation to the universe. All importance we put into things is.... made up by our eagerness to make connections. You look at something, and it automatically triggers all sorts of memories or similar things. In one sense, I believe this is beautiful and an amazing quality of the human mind... But I am fearful that it can lead to a great falsification of reality.

Being right or wrong is a 50/50 chance. But sometimes we forget that because there are so many more variations of wrong.

Words, when spoken, enter the air and then they're gone forever. They happen once and that's it.

I know it's wrong, but I figured since I lose so much sleep over you every night I'd try and keep you up, to see how you like it.

Just because I don't talk much doesn't mean you're supposed to talk extra to make up for it. :/

Nothing, and nobody, is essential to ones existence, except their existence itself. That's what "I alone exist" says to me.

Our culture values more a person who can run fast rather than a person who can think fast. Ew.

Stream of Consciousness.

I should be sleeping, but I'm waiting for Kevin to get on AIM, but I don't think it is going to happen, which is fine because there's always some other time, and he's got shit to deal with, so it's whatever. I just wanted to talk about how In Between I am. But I don't feel like sharing that with my blog, I'm going to share it with a real person. Anyhow,

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.
What to say.
All the stuff I wrote in my notebooks that I was going to say seems really meaningless to me right now. And probably always will. So I guess I understand the phrase "Stay Relevant."

Everything feels irrelevant right now! The one chance I get to express my god damn sophisticated words, and SHE BE'S SARCASTIC. Oh no, my life has turned into KingCurtisQuoting. Maybe I am just tired, and frazzled from today's events.

Harry and the Potters just came on my windows media player. Cool, I love it, I haven't listened to this stuff.

I am always brought back to that phrase,
"Those who have nothing to say, keep on saying it. Those who have something to say, can't/don't, say it." Or something like that.

Right now I just feel like saying something. I keep saying this shit. For real, I've been updating my facebook every five minutes lolol. I am such a teenager, hate my generation.

Anyhow, I am having one of those moments that I just want to learn something new and amazing about life. So I should probably read some Thoreau, yeah. But I just want to sit here and listen to music (it's Fergie now).

Lately I have found a very new appreciation for rap. To where I actually like it, not even just as a joke. Well maybe as a joke still, but I'm into it a lot. I found out I love Weezy and Kanye. I have always loved Eminem, of course. I probably have very terrible taste, but I don't care who judges it.

Music used to be very important to me, and I used to judge people by their taste in music, but now I just don't give a shit, and I'm happy with whatever I listen to, whenever I listen to it. It's just not a big deal, guise. I mean, of course Saves the Day is supreme in all aspects forever. Saves the Day is more than music though... Lawl.

Lucky if we're speaking on Holiday, Holidayyy.

Right now i feel very inspired to build a new friendship. Don't care with who (preferrably someone with their own opinions and thoughts on life but anyone works). I think that's kind of dumb of me though. Not that it's dumb to want to befriend people, but to be so unbiased with who it is. But also I think that's good to not judge... lolwut. I can't explain what I'm trying to say.

So I give up.

But one more thing;
"Longer that I'm out here" by Kevin Devine......

Today i went to olgas, walmart, applebees, the mall, a mcdonals 30 mins away, and bout $20 worth of Harry Potter silly bands.

I can't wait to grow up and do drugs and then pretend the side effects are my kid's fault!

I know Wednesday is hump day, but damn. I got ass-raped by life today. Also sorry for such short bursts of blogs.

I'm angry at life because I feel I deserve a lot more from it.

I am stuck in this hell doing nothing with my life. I need to get out. Will I ever make it?

It sucks that my mom is uneducated because she can't buy me nerdy things for my birthday.

On Getting Your Own Blog Titles!!

Lol.

Everyone starts their blog titles with the word "On" now.

It's okay, really, I just think it's funny how things can worm their way into our subconscious and we imitate others without realizing it. I do the same, so don't worry about it. I'm just sayin'.

Also,

I'm at school right now.

I've written a ton of stuff in my notebook this week that I'm dying to type out, but for lack of time I haven't been able to. I'd like to right now, but once again can't because my class ends soon.

Hope my mobile updates can convey the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Not that anyone reads this. I'm updating this like I have readers. I don't. I don't think at least.

Hey Clash, keep bloggin' fool.

& Stop deleting them!

All right, so crunch time is coming soon. This weekend I'm going up north to get away, but once I'm back I'm for real putting my heart and soul into working my ass off.

Clubs (five of them this year), classes (& college), college applications.

That's all I'll have time for, so this blog will be even more distant.

Coolies,

Just know that I'm jumping through the hoops and I'm doing it fantastically.

Don't doubt me!

Also,

I love Eminem. I need to listen to more rap. I used to hate all rap, by default/principle, but it's actually really enlightening to me. My diverse interests kill me. But I love them. I think they make me completely different from everyone else,

Although in some senses that makes me feel quite "isolated."

I've been reading The Metamorphosis in AP English, so I've been thinking a lot and should probably update my other blog. Nah.

Kay, that's everything I've been thinking in a nutshell. Hopefully I can type out my physics class ramblings soon.

Thanks if you read this far!

I have the most unique interests out of everyone I know. How come it feels so hard to relate others?

Today my English teacher called everyone in my class "average" compared to Einstein. I was insulted. Lul.

As if I didn't have enough on my plate already, I have just added "Avoid Creepy Tenth Grader Who Hit On Me Once" to my to-do list.

Physics, where have you been all my life? I love you. Let's get married.

The key is to stay on top of everything. The minute I get behind... Well, I don't even want to think about that.

I love my sister and my two best friends (Lina & Dalton). I can't wait until the day when I can repay them for everything they've done for me.

But one more thing.

I feel like I'm caged inside a glass box.
There's no room to breathe, and it's very uncomfortable.
But everyone can see so I have to pretend it's okay.

Every now and then I show little clues,
"Hey guys, I'm unhappy."
In fact guys, This is the most unhappy I've been in three years.
But I know guys, it's really not your fault.
It's really not your problem to deal with, it's mine.
And if I have a problem, how can I not deal with it?

....Well, duh, because I'm trapped inside this fucking box.
Even attempting to get out of it will show some kind of weakness to my onlookers.
Banging on the glass, but not breaking out, how embarrassing.
Breaking a sweat, how embarrassing.
Even worse- battle wounds! Even if I do break out, how embarrassing.

So I make little plans for myself to stay up late.
Because at night, when nobody's watching, I can do whatever it takes.
But it's not working. Maybe I'm just unmotivated.
At one second I think it's fine and I'm fine and it's all okay,
But another second I'm ready to stab myself.
I want to scream, but nobody would hear anyway, especially at night.
Maybe I can't do it by myself.

However, it's nobody else's liability.
However, I'm ruining friendships because of this shit.
People are sick of hearing it, and I get it.
I'm trying to make myself as unnoticable as possible,
But Freedom Lies in Being Bold.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing.
Nevermind.
I thought I was getting to a conclusion, dammit.
The apathy is killing me, guys.
Killing. Me.

Dear Blog,

What the fuck are you?

You've turned into a piece of shit, and it's all my fault.
For that, I am incredibly sorry.

"If you, remember, remember, I've been trying to get back to the center."

Yeah, you've turned into a piece of shit and it's all my fault. And for that, I really am incredibly sorry. I don't know what else to tell you.

"I'm hoping that you'll change, so we can see straight, someday."

I need school. So I don't have to sit here and h8 lyfe on a shitblog.
Luckily for you, my school starts tomorrow!

Have a nice day.

On Being Exactly Like My Mom.

It's something I never want to do.

However,
She's been in the worst mood lately. And it's been wearing off on me. I am trying to distract myself by friends and happiness, but being at home makes it hard to do so. So every night she gets drunk and drowns in her sorrows, then she goes to bed and I'm left to drown in mine. Which I don't want to do anymore. I'd rather be happy when talking to my friends than be upset, and that's my goal- to have friends for distraction and happiness rather than to vent.

However,
My sister just got in town. I've been yelling at my mom for being upset for having to "share" her. But then she just flew in today. I made sure not to have any plans just so I could be here when she got here. I was waiting for her for two hours. And then I finally texted her because I knew she had to have landed by then. And it turns out she went to my aunt's house in Garden City. Without even seeing me. I am not offended by her being there and not at my house, but... I've only been telling her how excited I am to see her all week. And now she's not even bothering to make an effort to see me. I would make an effort to go out there tonight, but one I can't drive myself and two I'd have to take my mom who will get drunk and embarrass herself and three I have to be up early tomorrow, so I can't be out late tonight.

So I'm kinda disappointed.
So I'm kinda gonna leave the house soon and see Angelina, I hope.
So I'm kinda gonna have a good time.
So I'm kinda gonna piss off my sister for not making a big enough effort.
So I'm kinda gonna be like my mom.

Whatever, this is stupid, it's not going to matter anymore eventually. I just need an outlet.
Kaybye.

People like me because I'm someone they can compliment without having to lie. ;D

I learned a lesson. When Isomeone calls me, I never want to answer. But if I do answer, I feel better in the end. Benefits of being bold.

I like to do things that are out of my character sometimes, but I'm not sure why.

You know what scares the shit out of me?

Recently it has come to my attention
That a lot of my peers are invited to parties, and quite frequently at that.
I don't think I'd really want to go to a party, but I have never been invited to one even, unless it was through my more sociable counterpart, my best friend, that is.

In my world, there aren't even parties. They don't exist, in my world.
So this is new to me, and I'm not sure if I feel disappointed in my social failure,
Or lucky to have been left out of social sucess because I don't think I'd like it much.

Hmmm. :S

"But put yourself in my position, just try to envision witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen."

On Being Honest.

God fucking dammit.

I'm sorry if I present my views in a way that seems harsh. I'm sorry if it seems like I think I'm hot shit, and everyone else is just shit. The cold kind. Or whatever.

I'm really sorry for being honest.

Maybe I should just be incredibly nice all the time.
I kind of generally am nice in my interactions with people.
Within getting bolder, I am growing kinder, and maybe a little more able to express gratitude towards strangers, I hope.

However, within getting bolder, I am learning to stand up for myself. To set standards for myself. Which requires being angry. A lot more, I have been able to say, "I know me more than anyone else. How can I let anyone else tell ME who I am then?!" Which, I think is a fair point.
So, standards. I used to not have any. And now I decided I want to have high standards, because I believe I am a special person. To be HONEST, I don't believe I am going to find what I'm looking for at a community college, and I don't believe it's the right time in my life to be looking for someone to love anyway.

I suppose I should just keep my views to myself, because it's too hard to explain/prove myself, and I don't think I need to. And I suppose I should try to hide all this anger and frustration I feel towards my surroundings. And just be pleasant.

Okay, let's start now.

Down and Out.

I try to avoid posting song lyrics as much as possible, but night after endless night, year after endless year... One song continues to represent how I feel about life in general. Down and Out by The Academy Is...

Out of the box, Out of the kitchen.
Out of the world she's grown so fearful of,
So fearful of.

I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again, my friend.
This is the end.

Out of the house, she grabs the keys.
Runs for the hills and doesn't leave a letter,
That way the impact will be much better.
Away from the man that she's grown so fearful of,
So fearful of.

I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again,
I don't ever want to see you again.

Why, oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Why, oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Life should not be that way.

Always up or down, never down and out.
You dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.

Now that I'm grown I've seen marriages fall to pieces.
Now that I'm grown I've seen friendships fall to pieces.
Weekend warriors and our best friends,
The writers weren't kidding about how all good things must end.
Then again some things, then again some things are far too good,
Some things are far too good, to go when you let go.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace...

We won't forget Tony or Johnny oh, oh.
No matter how they miss us they still wish us the best on the road.
Garrett took a plane to Paris, France,
Now he's cooking up entrees for the pretty, pretty French girls.
Bookends, Blue and Clarity, to The Wall and Grace.
Darkside, Wish, and a toast to late figure eights.
Weekend warriors and our best friends,
The writers weren't kidding but the good things will live in our hearts.

Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep,
That make you stutter when you speak.
Always up or down, never down and out.
Dream of demons while you sleep
That make you stutter when you speak.
Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces.


This song is about breaking out. About hating home life, living for friendships and young memories, but in the end leaving it behind to break out.

Every single line in this song is extremely meaningful to me, and if you know me, you should be able to get it. I can't bring myself to actually explain.

The people who accuse me of having a superiority complex are those who cannot handle the thought of someone being superior to themselves. Irony.

I don't even know how I feel today.

Finally had a fulfilling conversation today. Life is good. I like when people motivate me to think.

If what I choose to do is "not worth doing," then I wouldn't be doing it. Nuff said.

On a Friend I Value.

I can't say anything anymore at all ever.
But one thing becomes clearer each day.

Words, I'm not good at them lately (I should probably fix that so I can write application essays...), but even in my prime, what I want to say here will sound cliche as hell.

I have one very brilliant friend, who is well-rounded in every way.
I have one, and only one, very brilliant friend, who I can really talk to.
I do not mind this at all. I feel as if explaining anything to anyone else, is pointless.

What do I admire about his brilliancy?
He never tells me what to do... He never even tries.
He listens, and reads. And I know someone is there.
Ultimately, it is up to me to figure my shit out. I know this.
He knows this.
But he's too polite to tell me to shut up.

I could say anything, and he will still be there to hear it.
Even in my craziest of moments, he does not think less of me.

This friend of mine,
To me he is the light,
From a lightbulb that breaks sometimes.
And the tender warmth inside, is released into my life.

This brilliant brilliant human being,
We have something in common.
We have a lot in common.
Funny, when I first mentioned 'pi bonding,' I didn't fully see the bond we have.

We are brought together, on a certain understanding of a certain subject.
We hate this subject, and don't talk of it often, but at the same time,
I am so entirely grateful to have him in my life.

You know how I said well-rounded? Yes.
Of course the aforementioned serious subject brings us closer.
But what we more commonly focus on is making puns.
And making each other laugh.
"Good times" is what I call it, and it is as equally valuable as our common bond.

I don't think I would be the person I am without him.
This is all extremely mushy and cliche and whatever,
But I figured since I am finally feeling SOMETHING,
I would like to express it.

Composed by daylight, falling apart by night.

On Approaches.

I need a new approach.

Used to pour my soul out, then I stopped, neither work.

On Whatever.

I came home from an amazing day.

It's 2 AM.

My mom's being pissy and cussing in the other room, but whatever.

I see my photo album on the computer desk, and remember the stolen pictures I've hid inside of them. Someone, please, tell me why we have pictures of dead fetuses? My mother was pregnant with two twin boys before I was born. Their umbilical cord broke, and the suffocated in the womb. They were still born, meaning my mom birthed them but they were already dead. They had a funeral for them. I have three pictures. Two are of the twins, and they're incredibly morbid. The fetuses are small, shriveled, black (due to lack of oxygen I assume), and almost unhuman looking. The third picture is of my mom, dad, and sisters in front of a tiny coffin in a cemetary. Why do we have these? It's so terribly morbid. When I look at them, my stomach sours. I can't help but wonder if my mom's hobbies had something to do with their deaths...

I don't know why I'm writing about this; I guess it's just on my mind. It's not something I bring up often. I don't understand why I stole the pictures, I don't understand why the pictures were taken in the first place. But when I look at them, I'm completely absorbed, and completely disgusted. When I think about my past, and my family's past, I feel completely disgusted. I keep using the same words over and over, but I don't know. I'm not really in a great state of mind right now.

Meanwhile, my mom just got up and puked. She's been sick. I hope she's okay. I guess. It's weird, and it doesn't make sense, but I'm just annoyed with her. I only hope she's okay because I don't want to have to deal with her. Seeing her bent over in pain just makes me feel like she's pathetic. Why am I so heartless?

Well, I don't think it's anything serious. And if there is something wrong with her, well, I'm sure there's a reason she could have helped that got her sick. But still, I'm heartless. I feel terrible.

But at the same time I just don't give a fuck. I can't. I'm so past the point of caring about her. I know she can't help throwing up right now but I'm annoyed with her for doing so. I am probably not a good person.

I just can't even bring myself to care. Why? Should I care? I don't know.

On Storm Observations.

When a storm arrives, especially at night, the first thing I feel is fear.

How bad will this get? Will the house be okay? What if there's a tornado, or a flood, and I'm asleep? I can't sleep now. What if something bad happens? What if my mom doesn't wake up?

This fear may be rooted in the fact that I used to watch The Wizard of Oz on repeat when I was a child. But I think the main reason I feel fear is because I don't KNOW what's going to happen next. The weather is out of my control, for one. And I've never been in a tornado or anything too drastic like that, so I don't know what will happen, how I'll react, or if life will ever go on.

It seems like the thunder is there to laugh at me, bursting when I'm the most insecure. The lightning flashing vividly only to show the outside in a different light, if you will. The rain and wind dancing together in a frenzied pattern that only adds to my anxiety. My heart pounds like the rain drops on the window panes.

Now, if I could just relax and... what's that saying? "Embrace Nature."
Forget about myself and my house and my possessions that I wish so badly to protect.

Well, one phrase comes to mind.
"A flower never grows if you hide it from the rain."

This is what I experience when I don't hide myself from the rain (hahahah I just called myself a flower!!!):

I feel small, and insignificant. As I should feel, because I am.
I feel like I'm at the mercy of nature. As I should feel, because I am.
I feel slightly amused... How we could spend our whole lives building our skyscrapers and monuments and little manmade things, when this storm could destroy it all in an instant. The things we value so much could be gone if nature had its way with them.

I almost wish that would happen.
Then I could "live deliberately, and front only the essential facts of life."

If all manmade things were wiped out, we would surely rush to build our "civilization" again, but I don't think I would want to. I would enjoy having nothing but the Earth to see and to love. The nature I experience in my home town is tamed, manufactured, and mass-produced. Just the way we like it. I suppose a storm is the only true, uninhibited form of nature I could truly experience here, and for that I am thankful. Even though it's possible to make artificial clouds (pollution and cloud seeding), but that's a different story.

A storm is my only chance to really see nature. There's nothing I or any other human can do to stop it. So I guess the fear comes from lack of control and security.

When the storm settles down it is peaceful, and I can relax. I like the gentle rain. It's like a reassuring voice that the weather will clear. Perhaps the chaos of the storm can be seen as a warning, or a wake up call. It's meant to make me feel afraid and anxious. But if I would realize that the things I really value cannot be washed away by rain, I would not feel afraid.


This is way too fucking long. :/

On Reality.

Okay, so I thought about all this last night and now I'm just trying to piece it all back together.

Everyone has a different reality.
There is no such thing as one reality; rather, there are tons of different realities.
How I am in my reality is different than how you percieve me in your reality.
So what's real?

Well, that's for each individual to choose for themselves, I'd say.

I see these realities as our electron clouds... We are the nuclei, our realities are the electron clouds. Our bonds? Yes, those are in the form of art and communication- Literature, Fine Art, Language, Sound, Movies... so on and so forth. They are how we try to share our realities with one another. Of course, it's really impossible to truly share them. Even if you are in the same room as someone, witnessing the same things, you see them from different angles and have different thoughts running through your head that influence the situation. Ya know?

And as for everyone having different realities...
Things exist in my reality that may not exist in other people's based upon subjectivity.
Isn't that weird?
How, for example, Henry David Thoreau has been ingrained in my thinking process...
But to some people he doesn't even exist?

I find that to be fascinating, and diverse, and while I cannot experience everyone else's realities, I sure love to try to make those bonds (covalent, ionic, whatever you like), and try to get glimpses of the perspectives of others.

Another thing, along the tangent of existence and non-existence based on subjectivity...
It's impossible to imagine new objects. While you can create cartoons or drawings or even fictional characters, these are simply mixtures of all the things you've seen before. So our imagination is used for mix-and-matching things we've already seen, or creating scenarios of events. We cannot, however, imagine the unimaginable. I thought about this A LOT last night, and it kind of makes sense to me. But if anyone has any exceptions I'd like to know (I just haven't imagined any exceptions yet...).

I suppose everyone realizes this, and it's kind of common sense. I just find it fun to contemplate, even if it was at 2:30 AM last night.

Simplifying is a matter of making things go away. To do so you must understand them, which often involves complexity at first.

Junior Year Satire.

“It’s 7:15, I really think you should wake up now… You’re going to be late…”
Yeah, Mom.
I roll over as she shuts my bedroom door again. I check my phone. There’s 20 new messages from twitter, none from real people. I snap it shut with a sigh, and sit up in bed. Dizziness rushes over me immediately. Meh, Wednesday morning.
After staring into space for a few minutes, I stumble into my sister’s old room that my mom sleeps in to grab some clothes. Any old clothes. While I’m doing this, my mother knocks on my bedroom door again and opens it. She’s calling my name confusedly as I walk into the bathroom behind her. In my mind, I can clearly see her jumping in shock as I shut the bathroom door.
Fifteen minutes later, we’re on the road, steadily approaching my doom, I mean high school. She never shuts up, my mom. I need a license.
She drops me off in the bus loop. I walk excitedly towards the doors of the school, optimistic and prepared to learn something new. However, this attitude swiftly changes as I enter the building and head towards my locker. Groups of thugs and sluts have been strategically placed in every direction, all ready to stare me down.
I mean, I don’t blame them.
I don’t completely understand their negative reactions. I suppose it could have something to do with my frizzy, frazzled hair or my frumpy, too-large yet size extra-small jeans. Or my wrinkly olive green t-shirt with the word ‘SIMPLIFY’ markered on it. Or the way I walk in a discursive path, taking my time to enjoy each step.
Yes, that’s me. My appearance only shows half of the nerd qualities I have to offer. And I think I like it that way. I treasure nerdiness. And because it is a treasure, than it must be searched for to be truly enjoyed, right? These thoughts carry me through the hallway, and they only remind me of a Math the Band song titled ‘Karl Marx the Spot.’ I chuckle aloud at the beauty of this pun, but my bubble is soon burst by the death glares of those strategically placed conformists.
Whatever, though. They may stare at me as I loaf on by, but they undoubtedly forget about me as soon as I’m out of sight. Soon enough, I’ve reached the safety zone of my locker, only to find my best friend kneeling down before (well, halfway inside, to be honest) her own locker, struggling to remove a book from it.
“Hey, Macy,” I greet her, entering my combination into my locker, which neighbors hers.
“Morning…” She grunts.
I put my lunch box on my top shelf, grab my English binder, shut my locker, lean against it, and slide down to the floor (except not all sexy-like how they teach you to do on America’s Next Top Model). By this time, Macy’s won the battle against her locker. With her book securely in her arms and her cheeks sufficiently flushed, she turns and sits against her locker, too. She sighs.
“Don’t breathe too deeply,” I caution her. “Floor dust.”
She nods, and sighs again.
The Spanish teacher whose classroom is next to our lockers walks hurriedly past and tells us to ‘look alive’ in a cheery voice, his everlasting grin dazzling on his young (‘joven’ en espanol) face, despite the fact that he’s 50. Oh, Colombians.
“To be awake is to be alive,” I mutter to Macy, yawning the whole time. She remains silent, undaunted by my Thoreau quoting. For this, I am grateful.
Five uneventful minutes of silent people watching pass before Macy and I decide to head our separate ways. She dawdles off towards Algebra, and I walk the opposite direction to A.P. English.
Then, Josh appears eagerly at my side. He waves at me, a look of desperation in his eyes. I wave back, and sigh. If only I could tell him that It’s Okay, He’s Not Alone, and that The Mass Of Men Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation. But… I try to limit the Thoreau… This school isn’t exactly tolerant of my dear Henry. He’s got his ear buds in, tucked behind his utterly indescribable hair that creates its own wind. But the ear buds are merely a façade; he is not discouraged from talking.
“So, did you start your essay yet?” he asks.
“Nah,” I reply, fully aware that he’s not interested in my response, but rather, he just wants to talk about his own paper.
“Me either, really.” He says arrogantly. “But I found some sources. I think I’m also going to use Dante’s Inferno in my intro…”
At this point, I’ve stopped listening. But I continue to nod my head to humor him. Unfortunately, he’s also got English first hour… So he strolls into the classroom right behind me like a dog. I feel myself feeling slowly more embarrassed with each step, knowing that my teacher can see me talking (er, listening) to him in broad daylight.
Fortunately, this classroom contains an odd, but charming, assortment of desks and couches. Unfortunately, Josh’s couch is in close proximity to mine. Close enough for him to continue his babbling as I sink down next to my peer Rita.
“Oh, Rita!” I exclaim in disdain.
“Is he being a glibquack?!” She whispers loudly to me, glaring at Josh. I nod in a defeated manner. Josh, who just now realized I wasn’t listening anymore, stares at me with contempt. Desperate contempt. He sits on his couch silently, fuming with anger, and attempting to look sophisticated, or something. I’m never really sure what he’s going for, but it always ends up looking pathetic. I grin at his present lack of vocalization.
“I don’t even WANT to do this essay,” Rita moans. “Mr. G is just going to find some way to fail me!” Well, she’s got a point. He tends to grade her essays much harsher than everyone else’s. Maybe if I lent her a Thoreau-related t-shirt, he might warm up to her…
Really though, I don’t blame Mr. G. He probably just hate’s Rita’s defeatist attitude. “He’s probably just jealous of your ‘tude.” I tell her.
She laughs. “I have a ‘tude? What the heck, J. Ray?! You never told me this!”
“An awesome ‘tude,” I lie.
She giggles and tucks her knees up on the couch. I ignore the disturbed feeling I get when I see her legs, wondering why she wears couch when it seems like she hasn’t shaved her legs for weeks.
“So, I was texting Josh last night,” she says indulgently, lathering her boyfriend’s name with deep emotion that is meant to impress me greatly. Josh looks in our direction, ready to deny any such textual relationship with Rita. “Not you!” She groans. “My boyfriend Josh.” He rolls his eyes.
She tells me all about her unimportant conversation with boyfriend-Josh, and I don’t realize that I’m not paying attention until she’s halfway through a story involving cowboy hats or something. It turns out, something else has caught my eye. And that something goes by the name of Carter Benson….
He slumps into a desk behind Josh’s couch. His dazzling blonde hair and radiant eyes shine through his tired appearance, which seems to be more awakened by his neon green shirt. He sighs, and slides a folder out of his massive back-pack.
“J. Ray?” Rita asks, sounding slightly disheartened.
“What? Oh…” I say, snapping out of my… whatever that was.
“Yeah, well…” Rita continues. I try to listen this time, I really do, but she’s too far into the story for me to catch on anymore.
Luckily, Mr. G’s words are much more captivating, even with a Wednesday morning stupor lurking in the room (like that damn elephant). I listen, somewhat half-heartedly, to his lecture on Invisible Man that he undoubtedly stole from Spark Notes. How’s that for plagiarism?
“So,” he begins, touching the tips of his fingers together in what he believes is a profound fashion. “The narrator says he’s not going to run anymore. What does this mean?”
Silence.
“His feet are tired!” I shout excitedly.
He laughs, because I’m fucking hilarious, but I can also see disappointment in his eyes. He wants us to be serious and apply ourselves, but in all seriousness, it’s mid-May and we’re all sick of school. I glance towards the windows in the back of the room. There’s a clear blue sky outside, but my view is obstructed by Sheldon. His eyes are closed and his head is resting against a framed poster that contains MacBeth in its entirety on it. He calls this Learning Through Osmosis.
Mr. G, bless his soul, continues class in the same desperate attempt to get through to us. A few kids offer up answers and grin smugly afterwards as if they know everything. But my poor teacher remains unsatisfied, and there’s nothing anyone can, or wants, to do about it. In a perfect world, we would all be bald tycoons like him. For an instant, I too share his wish that the class could be a bit more educated and passionate, and that he might receive the respect he deserves. While I find him to be a complete oddball, I must admit I’ve never learned more from life under the guidance of another teacher.
But, it’s mid-May and I’m through being sentimental.
Mr. G drinks his coffee silently as we exit the room at the end of class. Now I head to Pre-Calculus, watching Carter in front of me as I go.

On Going to Hell and Back.

Lots and lots to worry about;
"The Future Freaks Me Out" you could say.

Tonight, my uncle got a DUI.
Not his first. Probably not his last.
My Aunt (his sister; he lives with her because he can't get his shit together)
Is too drunk to drive to the police station to bail him out;
And she hates talking to police because..... She's got something to hide too.
So she got my mom to do all the phone calls.

But guess what?! The bail is $1,490.
Nobody has that much money.
Not even my grandparents, at least not on hand.
Ridiculous.

I know I'm being indulgent with the details but... Why not practice my story telling skills in the process? Try to make the best of a bad situation?

Well anyway. What does this have to do with me? Nothing; and I won't let it have anything to do with me. I'm disgusted. This is my family. BUT GUESS WHAT?! This does have something to do with me. Now my whole family is going to be in debt. Ya see, my uncle finally got a good job. And he's been paying my mom and me to watch his three kids (Oh YEAH, did I mention, he has three kids?! All too young to take care of themselves; hence babysitting?!?!?!?!).

Well he's going to lose his job; he lost his van already. And he's going to be dirt poor the rest of his life. So there goes any extra money we might have got around here.

Money. I hate it.
I hate asking for money.
I have been wanting new shoes for about 4 months, but haven't had the guts to ask for them. The only thing I've bought is tests....... and lots of meals at restaurants because I don't like eating at my house because I Don't Like My House.

But why am I afraid to ask for money?
I mean better that it's spent on me and not drugs right?
But what if the money's all gone soon?
What if she has to choose between drugs and my things?

........What if she chooses drugs?
The reaction I've gotten from people when talking about this is that she's fucking stupid.
Well yeah.
But.


What am I supposed to do then?
I can't get a job. I have a full schedule once school starts. I'll crack.
But I might just have to try anyway.

It seems kind of like the whole world is against me.
All the odds are against me.
How am I supposed to pursue my dreams when I have such big dreams, but even bigger baggage that's not even my fault?

I don't know...... But I'm going to anyway.
I will not let anything stop me.
Money is not something to get worried about; I will be fine.
There are people who love me in this world (believe it or not), including myself.

My sister told me it's only me that I have, but this isn't true.
However, I'm going to act like it is just to show the whole world,
And mostly to show myself,
that I can.
I can do anything.
I don't know how I'll manage that yet,
But it will all work out.

I'm pissed off at my family. Extremely.
But what's the anger going to do? nothing.
All I can do at this point is be better than them for myself.

Nothing is impossible except impossibility.

I refuse to live on Earth, but rather WITH Earth. How much easier life would be if we worked with nature instead of against it.

On What I feel like.

I feel like being artsy, wordy, and creative.
I feel like making others hang on my every word.
I feel like doing something that nobody else can achieve.

But feeling like it isn't doing it.
I feel like writing an epic poem.
Or just a poem.
But what to write?

Sometimes my brain just lets me pile words together and it's not half bad.
This, however, is not one of those times.

It's hot and stuffy in here.
I'm sweaty and lethargic.
So what am I going to do?

Nothing good.
Waste of my last high school summer.

I've lived my whole life letting people tell me I'm weak. Well, my only weakness is that I'm a good listener.

On...... I'm too tired.

Getting a hair cut Thursday.
I'm mildly excited, despite how shallow that can make me.
Along with shedding a few inches of hair,
I think I will also dispose of my guilt.

I'm always a changing person, right?
The only thing that remains constant with me
Is my never-ending ability to change, right?
Hmm. Maybe it's time for a visable change, too.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of "happiness."
Also known as property.

No. I'm pursuing real happiness.

In a tough situation lately, if you haven't noticed,
Although I think that's PMS (seeing as I keep finding so many things to say).
Well, I think this is my chance to show how much I really have changed
And to put my principles into action.

This situation.... Is merely that.
Who gives a damn? Of course I do.
But I mean.
This time.
I'm going to do my best to MAKE things better for myself.
Not hope. Make.
Of course, thinking about it this much blows it out of proportion, but hey.
I'm not saying I don't want to spend time thinking about it.
"The best way out is always through" -Robert Frost.
That's all. It's better than distractions.
Although sometimes all we need is cheeriness....

Things have gotten to be so much that I can't just be happy anymore.
It's when the unsettling events of the past overcome present happiness that you must go through it, and not around it.
And that is perfectly OKAY.

It's never wrong to focus on yourself,
To better yourself
In order to put your best face forward to others.
It's not selfish in the least bit, because
Once it's over, you can go back to being happy.

The problem arises when there's always a problem,
And you create problems just to have them.
Of course there's going to be problems every now and then,
But well.


In the end, this is still just a situation.
I'll go through it, and then be done with it
And Then I Won't Remember It Anymore.

I keep having epiphanies! I don't think I spelled that right.
But I'm too tired and I don't think I'm even making sense anymore.
Didn't mean to write this much.
I shhhhhhouuuuuld type out my new 'story' tomorrow. :)

More Pretty Words

Fuck this
Summer Sickness
Threatening my existence
Dizziness
Wasted Wits
My weakness is my weakness
Fuck this fucking shit.

Oh. That's about all I got.
I'm still angry.
But I don't want to talk about it.
Sorry I've gone blog-crazy lately.

On Original Thoughts

I've been told I don't have them.
Simply for the fact that I'm good at implementing quotes into every day conversation.
So I wrote an original poem in honor of my original thoughts.

I need to write
I know it's not right
It's only what's left
That's not what I meant
I'll take this knife
Slice up my life
Bleed words on the pages
Phases upon phases
A moon, a lunacy if you will
Phases upon phrases
Bloody words that kill
Pints of words, too many lost
No life, no love, no time, no thought
Slicing with passion
More than you can imagine
Cyclical injuries in circular motions
Circulatory systems frozen
It's impossible to hear silence
To fight the fear of violence
Senseless, I have no sense
Of what's right, what's left
Cause or effect
Life or Death
I'm indifferent
Instead.

I just hate the hatred I feel towards her slurred words.

On having a thought.

I thought of something thoughtful today.
A full thought. Thought-full.

Thought Dull.

I could really write it here right now. It was about my fogged window metaphor.
But. I can't arrange the words properly, or maybe I can, I just can't put forth the effort.
What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with the world?

Everything.

I know everything.
What is everything?

I feel like I'm speaking in riddles or paradoxes or something of the sort.
And this time, I'm not proud of it.

Pride.
Lied.
Hope?
Nope.
Tell?
Well,
Today
Infinity
Tomorrow
Never.
Better?
Whenever
Weather
Together
Clouds
Storms
Broken
Hoping
Thought
Provoking.

Stream of Consciousness (Spoiler alert- RANT).

Shit.
It's been a while, since the words of Henry David Thoreau have sparked up the fire in my soul.
Passion.
Where'd it go?
"Remember, get that blood back, scorch your stomach, bleed that passion lost."

I'm not unhappy?
Well. I'm pissed, mostly.
Is that passion?

I hate being angry. While it is a rush of emotion, I have always felt that anger is maintained by ignorance. I have always felt that anger is often unwarranted, and counterproductive. What has anger ever gotten me? Bitterness.

Do I prefer this to the days when I would rather beat myself up with words than stand up for myself against someone who hurt me? I'm not sure.

Having trouble stringing words together, even music isn't calming me.

I feel like I'm probably slowly losing it again.
Again.

Again.

But I'm fucking great.
Hello, Life! Here I Come!
That's how I'm supposed to feel.
I have lots of shit going for me right now.
My life is ready to begin.
I have plenty of homework to keep me motivated,
To keep me just stressed enough.
Class class class class class
So much.
There's going to be so much school. I love school.
Of course, that's not real life.
But it's a start.

However,
Keeping myself busy...
............
Where's the passion?
Where's the meaning?
I am deliberate.
I make deliberate choices.
But I think I forgot the deliberate reasons why I made those choices.

I'm happy
But it's menial.
I'm happy
But not enlightened.

What am I to do?
This has gotten me in a panic right now.
I haven't been able to breathe the last week or so.
Perhaps this has something to do with being quasi-dumped
Thus ending my quasi-relationship
Because I'm young
He was on a coke binge for 3 days
And He doesn't want to make anything yet.
Like it's his choice.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
See, there's my anger, there's my bitterness.
I don't even want to put that on here, I don't want anyone to read that, I don't think that's the business of the public... but I need to get this out.

Panic.
"Hysteria, Hysteria, it's happening again. I fall apart, I fall apart, I'm back where I began."
At least my way to inter... what's the word...
Intertwine?
Intertwine & reference 'outside works' is still here.

Panic.
Why?
There's no
Urgency.
So Why?

Maybe it's because I don't know what I want.
Fragmented thoughts don't work well enough.
I need to go lay in the grass and collect myself, I think that will help.

But anyways, there's a tornado coming. Or something.
And I am terrified. I can't think or breathe.
Maybe I need more sleep.
But I think I just need to
what's that phrase?
Find my center.
Goodbye.
I promise I'll be more coherent next time.
& also. I'm not unhappy. Just insane.

My friends get pissed when I speak spanish around them. Which shows how culturally intolerant we are. And it's anger based on lack of understanding.

Tomorrow I will: read. Clean my room. Shower. Spanish, gov. And fireworks.

All possibilities of 'love' lay dormant until I've had a sufficient amount of 'life experiences.'

Don't say I don't understand. If I didn't understand, I'd be long gone by now.

I'm going to do good things for myself.

My biggest fear? A meaningless existence.

Lots of people are those unun-prefix elements. They lack originality. And are transuranium elements, unnatural.

On Southgate.

I'm ready to get the fuck out.

Ready to let my flawed friendships fade away (alliteration, yay!).
And make new ones.

I'm sick of my friends. Just too lazy to make new ones.
I'm sick of the idea that the time you spend with someone can make them more important.
The more time I spend with these people, the more I want to run away.

"But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things." -HDT

Life is like swinging. Going forward and going right back. All on your own volition. You only go as far as your efforts.

Blinds. Such irony in their nomenclature.

Blindfolded?

I mean everything I say.
I will almost, always, mean everything I ever said.
And sometimes, this is an issue.
Because other people don't mean what they say in return.

I'm afraid I might have said things I didn't mean fully.

So.

I know what I want
& Yet I really just don't.

My thinking is scattered lately.

& on that note. If you're taught to think a certain way, you obviously aren't thinking.

When people become programmed on how to think... We'll know they've stopped thinking.

So much negative energy... I want to pull a Kennan and try containment. Better if i'm upset than everyone else.

Why try to get to know a god you have no proof of when you have the perfect opportunity to get to know something real- yourself?

On Being Bolder Than I Used To Be.

As the title states, I'm a lot bolder than I used to be. I used to be solely an observer of life, too timid to go and live it for myself. I gradually grew more comfortable with using my voice, but it wasn't until I'd say January of this year that I really began to believe in myself. I'm still rough around the edges in every day conversation, but I'm able to talk like never before.

"I was never good at talking, but the perks are so fantastic."

The only problem is... I seem to be making up for lost time. I never shut up. I fear that I have been doing so much talking about myself, that I forgot to listen to others. I am finally proud of myself and who I have become, and what I value. I I I I I, me me me me. I guess I'm making up for last time on that, too. I'm carrying not only my self pride on my shoulders, but also the pride that my parents are too high to care about. But that's no excuse.

I can't control the fact that my parents are less than perfect, and even if I could make her change, I'm not trying. So why complain? Why even care? That's just the way it is, and she's not holding me back. Sure, she doesn't really care. I'll just care more. Too long I've been looking for a mother's love and support from friends and boyfriends; in other words, places I'll never find a mother's love. I can't even get that from myself, but it's a lot closer, and much more effective.

So, back to the point...
I stopped listening to others because I've been too busy telling them how I feel about me now. Stating my case, that I'm awesome, look at all the puns I've made, look at all the books I've read, the thoughts I've had, look at my points of view, look at what I value... Trying to convince them to feel the same way about me that I feel about me.

It just doesn't work that way. But I've grown so accustomed to shutting them out and listening to myself that I just don't give a fuck who cares and who doesn't.

I just don't want this to lead my friends to believe I don't care about them. 'Cos I do. I've just been spending so much time talking about me that I haven't listened to them and shown them I care. I fear I might have discouraged them from sharing things with me. Sooooooo, I'm gonna calm it down and let them fill my ears for a while. Not by telling them to, just by letting it happen. And I'm gonna try not to let my opinions gain too much power over me, I'd rather stay neutral most of the time. I just want to be here to listen, for a few.

We imagine the Revolutionary War to be so perfect but in reality the soldiers and the nation were poor. & The Newburgh Crisis.

Summer goals- delve into Shakespeare, test out of Spanish 3, visit Princeton.

I'm not drawn to Marie Curie for her fame, but rather her discoveries and her work ethic.

I'm a fucking joke. People laugh at the things I value most. And at the things I take most seriously.

I never TRY to be anything. I just say how I feel, when I feel it.

On Burning Literature; On Being Bold.

Yes, an experiment in being bold.

Each year, the senior AP English class gets to design the t-shirt we all wear to our Poetry Picnic. Last year, the seniors put inside jokes on their shirts that the juniors (who are now the seniors) didn't understand until they read the material from this year. So, because this peeved them, they decided this year they're going to make a shirt strictly for their class, and then an additional shirt for the Poetry Picnic. On the Poetry Picnic shirt, they decided they wanted to put a picture of a bonfire on it and then write something along the lines of "Where's your Walden book?" because apparently this has been an ongoing joke for them since last year.

Um, I have a problem with this. It's been approved by the teachers because there's not an actual picture of a burning book, just the implication of it.... I personally believe that there isn't a difference. I believe it's completely ignorant to promote the destruction of literature- regardless of the fact that I also happen to like the book in question. Every single piece of literature has something to offer its readers- it's just up to the reader to want to take it in. And (this is where I'm going to be biased-) Walden offers a lot to those to wish to understand it. Those who are too uneducated to understand it reject it. Yes, I think it's okay if you dislike the book, obviously it's not for everyone. There are books I don't like, like The Catcher in the Rye, that are well-liked by others. It's okay! to have differing opinions. It's okay to personally reject your opportunity to learn from a book- although it's something I try not to do myself. But I do not think it's acceptable to advocate burning a book. Thoreau's writing has never done any harm to any of us- it's not Thoreau's fault that the senior class got stuck with a teacher who failed to teach them the real importance of the book (sorry, low blow right there). Walden's worst offenses are that it is "boring," and that it lowered everyone's grades because we failed the quizzes. Is this really enough to push a person to say they're going to burn the book?

By wearing a t-shirt with a message like that, I believe, poorly represents the values of AP English. Yes, Advanced Placement, which I think means that we should appreciate- and at least RESPECT- literature more than the average student. And here we are, saying we want to burn a book just because most of us don't agree with it? Because it's boring?

This is something I feel strongly about, and I feel the same about every piece of literature.

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."
------Voltaire




So, it's just petty t-shirt drama, but I talked to my teacher and expressed myself just as I did up there^. And I guess he talked to the AP12 teacher, and now the senior class is pissed at me. While I don't mean to offend them, I'm glad I was BOLD and stood up for what I believed in. And sure, I'll defend their right to wear ignorant t-shirts until the death, but I will personally reject doing so myself. It's a petty cause, but it is a cause. Respect literature- that's all I ask.

Why do we lie? It's because when we're honest about our wrongdoings, nobody ever lets it go.

On Dreams

I figured since I mention Remington so often on here,
and since his blog is titled "Dreams Under My Pillow"
I would finally get around to putting into words the things I think about dreams (all the time).

I love the dream world.
Whether or not it's in color, I can never remember when I wake up.
But it's definitely bold.
In my dreams, I never get anxious or embarrassed in the most awkward situations. I am finally able to live boldly. I've had dreams where I stand up to Lord Voldemort, when I know if it weren't a dream I would perish (and if it weren't a dream, it wouldn't happen...). I've had dreams where I stand up to killer midgets named Georgie, where I assert my Gryffindor-esque bravery unheard of in my waking world. And when I wake up I'm too scared to get out of bed because of the possibility that Georgie or Voldy will be outside my bedroom door.

I've had dreams where I punch people in the face. I've had dreams where I stand up to band moms who haven't given me the credit I deserve. I never have to think about what I'm going to say in my dream, it's always right. There are never consequences in my dreams for things I do 'wrong.' There are no causes and effects, and nothing makes sense. Things just happen. Sometimes really great things that make you want to stay asleep.

In the surreal world I watch while I'm sleeping, I love myself. Even if I wake up and say, "Wow, that was really dumb of me, I shouldn't have punched that person in the face. I'd never do that in real life," I still look upon that dream with satisfaction and triumph. 'Cos I didn't have to think about anything.

The more you think--- is not necessarily the more you know.

Remington belittles me for shamelessly blowing my nose on my comforter.

"This obstinate, tenacious, proud Marie did not like the act of flight. To be afraid was to serve the adversary."

On Friendships; or Lack Thereof. A Rant.

OKAY. The friends I want-
Are Busy, Brilliant, and in College. Worlds away, where I'll never relate. Not their fault. Sometimes I just feel insecure and unsure that they want my friendship. Referring to plenty more than one person in this situation. I try not to let this show because, like I said, it's not their fault and I don't want to be a bother. I just want to have people to be brilliant with. Not the friends I have.

The friends I have-
I'm sick of our passive aggressive bullshit and making fun of each other instead of talking out our problems. I say repeatedly, if I'm doing something wrong, tell me, and I will maybe get defensive at first... but eventually I will come to my senses and be a better friend. Honestly. I can tell when people are making jokes because they're mad at me for something. I'd prefer if they'd tell me what it is, rather than making me feel guilty for something I'm not sure I'm guilty for. And I hate that I can't even say this because, I myself, am afraid of crossing that line and being open about the problems I have. Because while I am comfortable with the idea that my friends can tell me what I am doing wrong, I am afraid that they are not in the same boat. I feel like anything 'mean' I say will be held against me, forever. When I just want to explain how they make me feel, and how they could be better. But somehow, I'm just never right.

Which is why I wish I had Brilliant friends to spend my time with.

On Fogged Windows (another Metaphor).

Wrote this a while ago in school, now I have a chance to post it since it's spring break, finally.

Too often it seems that people see life through a fogged window of a car on the road. We only see blurred shapes of what's outside. This is kind of like Plato's cave, except we have every opportunity to get rid of the fog.

Some of us, the drivers- who are determined to go far, and get themselves where they want to be- wipe it away in haste, like on a windshield, so we can safely get where we're going. The drivers have no choice but to see what's beyond.

Others sit lazily in the passenger seat, not controlling where they are going. Some of these passengers still wipe away the fog to get a glimpse of the outside world (to realize ' the universe is wider than our view of it' in Thoreau's way), but some occupy theymselves by doodling silly pictures in the fog with their fingers. They barely scrape the surface of reality because they enjoy too much the meaningless fun they created on their own accord.

The back seat? That's even further away from reality. Backseat passengers, like front seat passengers, often draw in the fog rather than wipe it away. But backseat passengers rarely see the road in front of them through the windshield like front seat passengers do. Not only are they unaware of the world outside of the car, they are even secluded from the conversation in the front seat at most times. They have no concern where they are going, nor any say in the matter, but they like the feeling of being in the car. It's so comforting, and care free...

I am a Jess Ray and nothing will change that. Maybe I can't exactly define it, but that is what I am.

Making a true attempt at being Bold. I feel more like I'm in italics.

"I love this radium, but I've got a grudge against it!" -Henri Becquerel

I'm Rutherford's gold foil experiment. Alpha particles or ideas bounce off my nucleus. I send them back out. No ideas of my own.

On Writing Blogs.

Captain Fluorine Rayhab on the subject of writing blogs...
I always think of wonderful things to write about, I always think of words that sound so wondeful when they're pieced together in my brain. But I'm always far away from the computer, and my thoughts are too long to submit from my mobile. I sometimes have nice thoughts at school, but I don't want to write them in my AP History notebook and I don't want to make the effort to take my other notebook out of my bag. Or I don't have time, or I'd rather be reading.

I always think of these wonderful, beautiful sounding sentences that I believe to be... fantastic. Inspiring. I had something I've been meaning to write on here for a week, but I haven't had the chance... And now I've forgotten it.

And guess what? These beautiful sentences are almost just like beautiful people- they are mostlikely devoid of meaning. Well, in the aesthetical(sp.?) sense of the word. Of course, my defintion of a 'beautiful person' varies from the norm but... Anyway.

They're meaningless. I sit here and ramble about myself. Who cares? Nobody, and why should they? Emotional Turmoil is not entertaining. Not that I'm here to entertain (I'm not a prophet, but I'm here to profit, that's all), but I wish to Write Things Worth Reading.

This, is not.

So look forward to future blogs based on actual subjects.
When I started writing on here, it was only a place for me to expel my thoughts.
Well now I want to make something out of these thoughts so... We'll see where that gets me.
It's going to involve people actually reading my thoughts. Ha , yes, we'll see where that gets me.

There is more to day than dawn... And more to life than your petty teenage drama that you won't remember a week from now.

It is 12:45 am and I am hiding behind a suitcase on a shelf in meijer.

Pierre Curie was a Bachelor of Science at sixteen and had a master's degree in physics at eighteen. :o

"Marie had no time to give to friendship or love. She loved mathematics and physics."

"First principle: never to let one's self be beaten down by persons or events." -Marie Curie.

Can't Slow Down.

I've written posts with the titles of every song on Can't Slow Down (plus other miscellaneous posts). Now, I think, is the perfect time to review. In such a shameless self-absorbed manner that I lived with my whole life. Go life! (<--my new phrase)



1. Deciding- I was concerned about not being so noble compared to that boy in the sky. I now do not feel like I am on the ground, but I'm not so sure about the sky. I feel good though. But I don't have the zest I used to on this subject. I forgot about making choices deliberately, and the freedom of free will (pun). Must work on that! I also miss having discussions about the sky and noble gases.



2. The Choke- Still haven't defined myself, but I don't want to. I don't have the battle of Solitude vs. Loneliness. For a while I binged on hanging out with people, now I'm slowing down. I'm relaxing, I feel peaceful. The things I talked about in this post were mostly about my worries inside my head. Something has been telling me to ignore worries, and just go for shit anyway. It's not too bad. Less anxiety.



3. Handsome Boy- Infatuation. Didn't last. I still believe everything I said in that post is true. I just don't think I have found my soul mate. And I also haven't felt his complete presence lately. Whether this is my fault or not, I don't care (even though I worry it is). Maybe we'll have good talks again (I sure hope so), but maybe not (I guess I'll live).



4. Blindfolded- About wrapping up loose ends. About how people can seem pathetic sometimes but I still try to remind myself that what they're feeling is real. The total responsibility that was being put on me to not hurt his feelings was stressing me out. I think today I broke the dam... And he knows how I truly feel now. That it's over. We'll see... This is a sore subject.



5. Collision/Three Miles Down- Lost friend. He Came Back though. I am doing what I said I would, I am not expecting anything from him. I'm still confused as to what happened, but I am so overly joyous to have this second chance that I'm not willing to push it. I suppose the guilt I felt, the guilt of doing something wrong to make him dislike me, is gone. I'm just afraid he still might not like me. But that's not worth worrying about, I'd rather just be ignorant and happy about it.



6. Always Ten Feet Tall- More about pathetic people. I hate being so mean, but I hate to get rid of my honest feelings. I still feel these things, and unfortunately, I have let them diminish the original feelings I had for him. I am starting to feel like I was a fool to ever "love" him, because he is a fool himself. Yet there's nothing I can change now, so I'm just trying to make him as happy as possible while still breaking his heart, and I am trying to live free and uncommitted myself.



7. Nebraska Bricks- Handsome Boy Part Two. Yeah, didn't last. Still an amazing person though, who I'd like to know better. Who I'd just like to know, really.



8. Seeing It This Way- Lots of rambling, questioning earlier ideas, talking about how pissed I was that I won't get to take AP Physics next year. There's a chance that I will now, but I still doubt it. I just hold my head high and hope for the future when I will have the opportunity to actually learn the things I am so eager to learn. "The things" being everything, of course.



9. Hot Time In Delaware- A lack of inspiration. Also, my emotions were far to attached to someone else and the reactions I was getting were bringing me down. Well, I learned my lesson and now I'm (once again) free and uncommitted. Free will. Happiness. It's working.



10. Houses and Billboards- Band mothers like to talk shit. I don't care about this anymore, although I probably am bitter.



11. Obsolete- Quizbowl tournament in which I nerd-bonded. I love how I avoid using names on my blog, it makes it very hard to remember who/what I was talking about at the time. I was feeling triumphant, probably on an ego trip. Good times, I really live for those kinds of days.



12. Sometimes, New Jersey- Being amazed by people and then trying to get as much as I could out of them. Being addicted to getting close to people. It's true, that's how I am. Except lately I'm not as inspired by everyone, and I haven't had too many amazing bonding moments. But I believe I'm becoming less intense about it. There's no such thing as urgency anymore, I do not need to get every single bit of awesomeness out of a person in one serving. I will take my time getting to know people, because if you get to know them in one day... what's left? It's just like how the journey to finding an answer is better than the answer (sometimes!).



13. Jodie- Yes, Ideals!!! This post is the closest to how I feel today, obviously, 'cos it's the most recent. I still agree with it 100%.



Cant Slow Down- a journey that has changed me. I always change. I don't think I really want to stay the same though. I think that the more changes I go through, the more different perspectives I have on life. And in a Thoreauan way, I believe that every experience is worth having (okay, maybe not a few...), so different perspectives add extra flavor to experiences I repeat. Well, I don't even know what I'm saying.



Someone asked me a few days ago, why I'm acting so different lately- not a bad different, just different. I said I felt like I achieved self-peace. Which is 1/2 of Goal #4. I don't think I will ever truly define my self-identity, so the other half of that goal is Obsolete now. BUT, anyways, the more I think about it, the more I really do believe I feel peace within myself. I think getting rid of urgency was a BIG part of it. Time is an illusion! I am so full of love. I am also shocked that someone else has noticed the change in me. I thought nobody was paying attention, really.



I feel awesome. Good job, meeeee. and Thanks to everyone who helped this happen. There is a long list of names. I hope the feeling stays. I am fearful that, if I feel so peaceful now... Will I really be able to sustain it my whole life? I mean, I kind of feel like it won't last another week... But urgency fails, and I don't feel like it's a pressing concern. I feel peaceful now, but like I've said before, I change so much! I might not feel peaceful for long, but for now I am good, I am great. When it changes, I will still be just as alive as I am now, and that's what counts. I reached a goal, I think that my happiness and fulfillment now is good enough to make the rest of my life grand. And other happiness will come along too, so... I'm set. Optimism, ew!!



It's too late.

Good night.



Whoever reads this should really tell me though. I don't think anyone reads it. I mean it's okay, it's for personal reflection only, but I would enjoy others' thoughts.



GOOD NIGHT.

The greatest gift you could ever give someone is your time. And we're all in luck! We all have tons of it.

My dream last night was actually like watching a movie more than dreaming. It was neat.

Im reaching out because i feel terrible but there's no one there. Perfect time to learn to do this on my own.

It sucks that this one test could possibly end all hopes of goal #1... So yeah. I'm a little nervous.

Jodie.

"'Cos I keep remembering the day that you said you might go crazy if you spent one more minute with me. I've been thinking 'bout those days, and I don't know, Is one more minute gonna kill you now?"

I don't want to love anyone, in that way. I don't want to have a crush. It's pointless and a waste of energy- energy that could be put forth into things that will last. It just makes me feel so alive...

I have found though, that I'm capable of finding something to love in everyone (some more than others). So rather than falling for the first person that sparks my interest or tickles my fancy, I endeavor to have an ideal. Love will come to me in the form of the person who wishes to spend their life in the same way that I choose to spend mine. And not because I like them and they like me and desire to follow me where ever I go. No, I'm quite certain that either I will find someone that shares my goals in life and who will be the Pierre to my Marie, or I will have no partner and no soulmate. Either way, I think I'll be fine.

But that's just how I feel today. I kind of feel like every day I'm a completely different person than the one I was the day before. I am becoming better at expressing myself, that is for sure. I'm just tired of using the same old words to do it.

I need new Ideas and Inspiration.

"And I don't know but I am trying to let you go, but I can't cut so well these strings I have around my neck. I'm trying to let you know, trying to let you know, I'm doing this by myself."

I've been making the initial effort... Then letting my friends do the rest. Surprisingly, they've been pulling through amazingly.

Goals #6-13*

6. Emit Luna-Lovegood-Radiance.
7. Find deeper meaning every day.
8. Never quit trying (at anything)- no matter how tired I am.
9. Have my own thoughts to cheer me.
10. Love everyone.
11. Never let opportunities pass me by.
12. Never write off the abilities of others.
13. Always stick up for my friends.

*Edited to add the 13th one.
Just like the 13th amendment abolished slavery,
My 13th goal abolishes cowardice.
Yesterday I let a friend down to tend to my own selfish needs, and I am ashamed.

Sometimes, New Jersey.

"I called you up, to see if maybe we could hang out. I told you I was sad & feeling lonely. But I bit my lip, and you said yes. And I thought of how beautiful the night would be. And I thought maybe we could drive around talking about your town, or we could just stay at home. And I could win you over acting cool, just like real romance."

Wow. I've been talking to lots of people lately, getting closer to all of them. And they all amaze me in different ways. There are many valuable people in my life but they're all valuable in different ways. I don't want to miss out on anything, with any of them. Kinda crazy, but it makes me so happy.

But it's kind of like an addiction. Once I have that first initial meaningful conversation with someone, I want more of those conversations. Like I said, I don't want to miss a thing. But that's where things get confusing. I want to have great conversations, and I can have them with lots of people, I've recently discovered. So it helps that there's a lot of people I can talk to, so I don't depend on one. But then again, there are some people who I could talk to only them for the rest of my life and I'd be okay with it. But nobody wants that.

So many great people, but today I feel kind of crappy about everything. I guess it boils down to the fact that I always feel like I care more about people than they do about me. Here I am trying to learn everything about everyone and get to know them on deeper levels and embrace who they are as individuals, and there they go, right out of my life.

I better learn to accept it, or change it.
I vote for change.
But today I'm just tired, and I think I'll keep to myself and give everyone a break.

Nothing gold can stay?

Fwd: From: +13612370096 Msg: We will last forever you will always be in my life..always :-) that's real smile

2010. The year when all my dreams will come true!

Obsolete.

Funny, Obsolete is one of my favorite songs, but it's probably the least fitting song on Can't Slow Down for the title of this post.

Today was a great day. Instead of thinking about doing things, I actually did things.
I bonded with friends & new friends.
I expressed myself to the people I love/care about.
I even read a little bit.
And I magicall guessed The Old Man and the Sea, and I was right.

This is what I've been waiting for, to put things into practice.
It worked out beautifully. I don't even have any regrets, right now.

Well except sometimes I feel like I talk myself into holes but I'm not worrying right now.
Whatever happens will happen, and it's my responsibility to make the best of it.

I used to tell myself, why be sad when you can just be happy? It's a lot more fun and enjoyable to be happy, obviously. It's such a simple task, just deciding you're going to be happy. But you have to do it yourself. And sometimes when I'm sad, I think of this idea, but I willingly decide to be sad. Why? Well, I guess Obsolete does fit. "Sometimes it's the comfort of being so sad, sometimes it feels so right." Chris Conley wrote those words, and he also says- Sadness happens. Let it come, and accept it, and let it pass. I love it.

Don't know what I'm talking about.

PS, you're beautiful and that's what scares me. I'm sorry if you don't want this, I don't know how you feel of course. I'm paranoid and a little mixed up in this area, but I what I do know for certain is that you're beautiful.

I love being around people that inspire me to go far in life. Even though they don't know how much of an effect they have on me.

It's moments like this that i live for.

Not going to lie, reading Walden has changed my life.
So has AP English.
I feel like I am learning more than silly rhetorical strategies.
I am learning about life.
I'm very thankful for this, because if I hadn't had this opportunity, I might not be truly "awake" today.


PS-
43 posts? Geeeeeez.

Today i learned that tournaments stress me out and put me in a weak mental+physical state.

It's not enough to be good at something. I want to be good FOR something.

Spent time in the cave today looking at shadows rather than studying and now i'm off track.

Houses And Billboards.

Apparently, the band parents at Southgate Anderson have had conversations about me.
I am "that dumb girl that Kevin was dating, who broke up with him, and just before his birthday!" But apparently, it is also well known that I have "family problems."


Maybe it's none of their business,
Maybe they don't even know me?
This doesn't hurt my self-confidence, but it makes me angry.
I really hope when I'm older I don't get that ignorant.
This is why I'm intimidated by adults, because they automatically assume I'm stupid.
I'm not going to be that way as an adult.

I also hope that when I'm an adult, I don't sit around with a bunch of old women talking crap about teenage girls because they broke up with my son.

It's funny that they say my "family problems" are an excuse for me to be such a terrible person. At least I can admit to it, and don't waste so much energy in effort in holding up the image of being a "normal family." Everyone thinks their family is so perfect but I've been close enough to see how lacking it truly is.


This is more of an angry rant than anything. But I now know who I never want to be.
I'm going to leave these stupid suburbs and move on to greater things.
I'm going to do things with my life that hold true meaning.
And we'll see who questions my intelligence then.
Yeah, sure, say that it was cruel of me to break up with him- that's probably true.
But don't question my intelligence.

Okay so definite self identity is a longshot but for real i want peace within myself.

Stop it jessca. Youre being silly. It doesn't matter. Youre fine.

Stop it jessca. Youre being silly. It doesn't matter. Youre fine.

Hot Time In Delaware.

"Oh, how pretty the sky is. I oughta go there on a rocket, that never comes down. Which way do we go now sailor, this way? No hun, this way."

"Maybe I should be subtle more, maybe I should be pure."

Or maybe I should be myself.
I kind of like me sometimes.
I haven't been acting like it lately.

"Isn't it ironic? You still have ideals... and I still have nothing."

Lies, I do have ideals. Plenty of them.
I came up with all these ideas and wrote them in this blog and never followed through with them. Such is often the case. Pointless. I'm tired today but I'm still awake enough to be re-inspired. Come on, finish what you started. Don't forget to be awesome, like the nerdfighters say.

Feelings are fleeting and my heart is misleading,
I took my turns looking at the sun but it burns.
I'm in the sky but I'm not sure I can fly,
I'm tumbling down, I have no king to wear my crown.

More later if I think of more.
^it's stupid, and doesn't make sense, and there's more i want to say but I can't keep up with the form right now.

I feel like i've done something wrong. Bleh.

Sometimes I do want answers. I just don't want to ask the questions. Like, Of What Value Am I? I don't want to ask.

"It always finds me." I live for the times when it doesn't find me, and live through the times when it does. The end.

Sometimes I choose to spend time in the cave. You know what they say, ignorance is bliss.

Seeing It This Way

Can I have my own thoughts to cheer me?
I think so, yes. I might not exercise this ability all the time, but yes, I do.
I am cheered by learning new things and making puns.
My own thoughts provide enough cheer.

Can I have my own thoughts to make me feel alive,
Like I'm "awake" in Thoreau's sense,
To feel like I'm in the sky,
To feel like a noble gas?
I'm not so sure.

I've only felt truly alive once.
And I wasn't alone.
I felt alive because of the conversation I had with another.
Is this wrong? Should I be able to feel alive on my own?
I'm not really sure.

In other news, my face itches really bad and I can't tell if it's emerging acne or just a rash.

Also, I find it to be pathetic that the most upsetting thing I've had to deal with this week is my disappointment at the fact that I probably won't get to take AP Physics next year. This makes me want to scream, knowing that the seniors this year had chances that I won't simply because they're, well, let's face it, more intelligent than my class, and more academically driven. My class is afraid of AP Physics because of the effect it will have on their GPA. But what about the things they could actually learn? Okay, so they don't all want to be scientists so maybe they wouldn't really want to learn physics... But could it really hurt? Why not learn something just for the sake of learning? I understand, not everyone has this viewpoint. But it's not a bad viewpoint... And Okay, it's probably selfish that I am trying to push everyone else to take AP Physics just so there will be a class. It's okay that they don't want to, but I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like I'm missing out.

Southgate Anderson, your science department sucks.
What is a sigma bond? A pi bond? Dalton tried to tell me, I forgot.

Sorry for ranting.

Goals #1-5

I figured I would like to have an ongoing documentation of my goals somewhere.
So I chose this blog.
I will continue my Saves The Day titled blogs, and integrate Goal blogs every now and then.
(?) = not sure but i'll try my hardest.

1. Princeton University. (?)
2. Learn a million foreign languages, travel everywhere.
3. Become a chemist, of course.
4. Internal peace/self-identity.
5. Become ambidextrous and be able to write in two languages at once.


That's all for now!

I have a lot of blog writing juice in me, but i have to write essays instead.

Don't even want to go home because I know i'm doing nothing but homework today. I feel dizzy.

I always say i can't explain things... But i will never stop trying to.

The bricks again. I just got so weak. It's pathetic. He's beautiful.

Talking about my brothers. She says it was so expensive to bury them. They're dead and they're still a burden?

Nebraska Bricks.

Sometimes I forget to think about you
And then something randomly reminds me of you.
It feels like getting hit by a ton of bricks.

I don't really mind it
I just keep losing my breath over it.
I really, actually, enjoy it.
I can't even explain this, I'm not going to try.

Rolling. No stopping. The ever present possibility of falling slows me down.

Skateland? Ugh. Be calm. Be happy. Make the most of it!

Always Ten Feet Tall

You're a great person, and I've said I'm not going to talk you down to make myself feel better about what I did to you.

But....

You tell me you're not close with anyone anymore. I can't really tell, but I don't think you ever were. Maybe... It kills me to say this but... Maybe if you actually cared more about people than about your possessions...

I mean I know you cared about me, I know you care about people. But you never do anything for them really. You never show it unless you're trying to get something for yourself.

Take our relationship out of the picture, but focus on your friendships for a second.

You can talk on hours about how you want to live in a nice house, in a nice place, with nice things. You can see pictures of tropical places and swoon and you can spend hours in the store looking at furnature.

It's great that you like these things.
But do you ever think about anything besides yourself, and the THINGS you want?
What about all the great people around you? There are so many talented people in your class, and you've had all these years to get to know them and.... what do you have to show for it?

I mean, I know you better than anyone else and I know you have a hard time showing your emotions (to people other than me...). I understand, I swear. I just think when you're lonely, maybe you should think about who you care about, and how to let them know.

I know you're hurting right now, and I'm really sorry. Haha, you're never going to read this.
I'm just trying to get it off my mind. This doesn't really fit in with all my other blogs, but I don't care. It's my thoughts.